Reflections.

She makes his coffee, she makes his bed 

She does the laundry, she keeps him fed  

When she was twenty-one she wore her mother's lace  

She said "forever" with a smile upon her face

Lord, I remember dancing around to this song in barefeet when I was little. Dancing around thinking how hopeful the girl in the song was. How happy she must be to be married and loved and be starting a family. I wanted that. Never thought I'd live most of it. I got married at 21. Stupidly, and thoughtlessly. But I thought I was in love. Even though I wasn't always happy and it was constant work and we had nothing in common, I still thought it was love because we both said it. 

She packs his suitcase, she sits and waits
With no expression upon her face
When she was thirty-six she met him at their door
She said I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore

I wasn't 36 when I left him, but our relationship lasted a little over 36 months from start to finish. Which I find ironic. And I was the one that left because I wasn't happy and knew that I never would be with him. I was honest and was tired of trying to beat a dead horse to get up and run. I was dead inside when I left him and never thought I would feel that sort of love again. And I was right. I never have, to this day.

I have something better. I have REAL love. What I felt back then... that wasn't real love.. It's hard to describe, really. I thought it was love... But I never thought about him unless he was around or I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing (friends he didn't approve of and such) and was wondering if he was going to find out. I never thought of him other than that... at all. Never wondered what he was doing, or missed him when he was gone. I knew I never wanted a family with him... Yet, I convinced myself that I was in love.

What I feel now.. There are no words to describe it. I think about him constantly (even after knowing him 5 years and being with him for almost 3)... and in the good way. I look forward to him being home and being around him. I love listening to him talk, even when I don't have a CLUE what he's saying. I love that we have a beautiful, happy little girl together.. I even want more babies :) I love being able to ask him for something without hearing "we don't need it" or "but I want this"... I love that we compromise and agree on most things. I can't describe the love I have now, but it so far surpasses what I thought I had back then that there is no comparison. 

Show a little passion, baby, show a little style
And show the knack for knowing when and the gift for knowing how
And have a little trust in us when fear obscures the path
You know we got this far, darling, not by luck, but by never turning back
Some will call on destiny, but I just call on faith
That the world won't stop, and actions speak louder
Listen to your heart, to what your heart might say
Everything we got, we got the hard way

All that You Are.

And I feel

The faint morning light

Filled with hope cause you're here in my Life

Well, Aunt Lee is going to remain in the hospital for a while longer. She wouldn't listen to the nurses at Tri Parish and fell. She broke her hip and will be at Rapides for atleast another 9 days. Minimum. And I am worried, but I can't bring myself to care anymore. I mean, I do care, but it is not consuming me anymore. I am finally getting the distance from her that Josh and Amanda have enjoyed for so long. I still call her most every day, but I don't go see her (because she is over an hour away at the moment)... And I don't feel compelled to go, either. I am enjoying just taking care of my family right now and leaving her to her own devices and the hospital staff. 

Since Lilah was born, I knew things would be different and at times, I would want to give up and quit. I knew there would be times when I would just want Nathaniel to leave me alone and go away. When I would just want to run away back to my little trailer with no heat or air, where I had to work open to close shifts most days of the week to make ends meet. When I would miss the nights spent in drunken stupor for a decent amount of sleep. I knew there would be days where I missed just taking care of myself without anyone else there, without anyone expecting anything of me, without worrying about someone depending on me. 

Surprisingly, those days have been far and few between until everything with Aunt Lee. I know she can't help it, but I'm angry because she doesn't seem to want to help herself. I wanted my little family. I didn't want to take care of an elderly lady who is unable to care for herself. I wanted Nathaniel and Lilah. Some days, I resent that I am forced to deal with Aunt Lee. I honestly do. And it's hard trying to cover the resentment in my voice or the disgust in my face when we walk into her house. We manage because I really do love her, but I wish she would see the toll she is taking on everyone around her. I want her to realize she needs more help than we can give and that she needs to be in senior apartments or in a nursing home. I wish and wish and wish that she realizes this. Part of me thinks she is being selfish by expecting this kind of care from us and then part of me realizes that I am being selfish for wanting her to move away, even if it is for her own health. 

I know things will get better once she passes. It's just all the complications and health risks and issues up until that point that is draining us. I don't want her to die. Truly, I don't. Yet.... I look forward to the time that will be just our little family here... To a time where we can just walk when we want and don't have to worry about roaches or other people's animals or health issues. No extra "honey-do's" or "I need this" or "bring me this, please." I feel I'm probably going to hell for thinking of that happier time, but I can't help it. Not with everything that has been going on the last few months and especially not with the extra care she is going to require once she finally gets to come home. A hip replacement at 66? And already in failing health with a defibrilator and blood pressure so low in the mornings that it doesn't even register? That's more than I can handle WITHOUT the surgery complications and healing time. 

*sigh* I still haven't gotten anything planned with the wedding. I have no dress. Haven't even been out to look at the church. No decorations, nothing. It's getting stressful. I'm about to the point of calling the wedding off and eloping. Just doing something simple and plain. I feel like I'm starting from scratch and I only have 2 months to get everything in order. That's not enough time. Atleast, it doesn't feel like enough time. 

God, please help us. Give us a sign or something. Let us know what to do. 

Please?

Savior.

She got down on hands and knees, one ear against the ground,
Holding her breath to hear something, 

anything at all

The dirt whispered, "Child, I'm coming home."

Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone. I know this. Anyone that has ever lost something or someone near to them knows this. Unfortunately, some people refuse to grow up and take advantage of every minute of life that they can. Instead, they live in their own lives where they are the most important beings and they never stop to think about someone else. 

After reading my previous entry, I realize that I am not at fault with how I feel. I AM angry. And I AM hurt about how Josh and Kelsey are acting. Like the world revolves around them... The people I knew at one time have disappeared. The girl with the beautiful smile that would go completely out of her way to make someone's day. And the boy with the beautiful music who put his friends and his family above himself and always made time in his life for them. Those are still the people that I love with all my heart. I don't know these people that claim to be them now. And neither does the rest of their family.

That's when she said I don't hate you boy 

I just want to save you 

while there's still something left to save

Aunt Lee is doing much better. She has only seen Josh for 15 minutes in the 5 days she has resided in Alexandria. And that was only because she NEEDED some hygienic items that I was not able to take to her. I asked her if Kelsey came and she said no, Josh said she was working in the garden. And I got angry again. She told me she would be heartbroken if something happened to Aunt Lee. Yet, when the time comes around so she can prove that Aunt Lee is more than a grain of salt to her, she fails miserably. Ten minutes. That's all Aunt Lee wants. Just enough time to say "hey, I love you, talk to ya later." It makes me sad that they are so selfish that they can't see how just a few minutes here and there would matter to an old, lonely woman with no real family.

I asked Aunt Lee if I was a horrible person for not being able to forgive them for their selfishness. She said she wishes I wouldn't be like that and hold a grudge, but that I do have a right to be mad about their actions. She then went on to say that I am a wonderful person and that she isn't sure her and Nathaniel deserve me and that she isn't sure what they have done for them to deserve me, but she is grateful that I am in their lives.  That made me feel much better because up until that point, I felt like I was being a horrid, selfish person unable to forgive the faults in others.  

Sometimes I wish I could be like them... And I think that's part of what makes me so angry. I hate always being the compassionate one. I hate always being the decent human being. The dependable one. The one who always forgives and forgets in order to create a happy atmosphere. Josh told me once that people would always be able to take me for granted and walk all over me because I was too good of a person to turn them away when they were hurt or down. I would always be there for someone no matter how bad they had hurt me or how much they had wronged me. It saddens me that he's right. I may hate it, but I can't be the kind of person that says "sorry, I'm too busy" when someone calls me needing a shoulder. Not if it's for a person that has had any sort of impact on my life. I just can't. That's not who I am. 

I wish I could use the excuse "I'm trying to plan a wedding" when Aunt Lee needs random things 50 million times a day. I wish I could say "Oh, Nathaniel makes plenty of money and these $60 jeans just fit me so well!!!" and buy them without having to think of bills or the baby or the millions of little things that need fixed at home.  I wish I could say "I have a busy life, I'm sorry I can never find time to call" and have the ability for that to rest easy on my conscious when a lonely old woman thinks everyone has forgotten her. Damn I WISH I could be that kind of person. Because you know what? If I was that kind of person, I'd probably be a lot happier and more carefree. I'd probably be the kind of person ashamed to face God when my time came. 

I do not lead a perfect life. Jezzus, I am SOOOO far from perfect. I never claim to be without my own downfalls. I'm selfish in my own way. I hold grudges. I judge people just like everyone else. I don't go out of my way to help people when I don't see them making a conscious effort to help themselves. I don't attend church regularly. I don't believe in "mission trips" to exotic countries with their own established religions to promote "my God." I get angry and say things without thinking. I get jealous. I drink occasionally. I break laws just like everyone else. And I ask forgiveness for all of those personal flaws on a daily basis, even when I know that I'm liable to make the same mistakes a million times over in my lifetime. 

However. I try to be a compassionate, decent, thoughtful human being.  

I HATE talking on the phone with a passion. I have always hated it. It's always staticky to me no matter how good the connection is. It's so hard for me to hear clearly that I end up feeling like a retard by asking people to repeat themselves 50 million times. I talk to my Mother and my Brother and that is IT because they know how hard it is for me to talk on the phone. But everyday, I call Aunt Lee when she is in the hospital to make sure she is okay and ask if she needs anything. I ask how she's feeling. I ask how her stay is going. I tell her silly little things like Lilah getting puffs stuck on her nose. Or her dog starting to run again. I don't even have to talk long.. .Just long enough for her to know that someone is thinking of her and that she's loved. Sometimes the calls are less than 3 minutes. But the point is that I call because it makes her feel good and gives her something to look forward to everyday. Even though I REALLY hate talking on the phone.

I can't stand Aunt Lee's house. Absolutely cannot stand it. It's smokey and stinks of feces and urine and rotten food. There are roaches everywhere. The carpets are nasty to the point the I will not walk in her house barefoot. Ever. And I don't really like Lilah being over there around all of the filth. But Lilah gives her a reason to get up in the mornings. Looking forward to her laughing and smiling and just being her normal, sweet, funny little self. So we go see her atleast every other day when she is home. Even though her house literally makes me nauseous, we still visit because it brightens Aunt Lee's day.

I know people think I have all the time in the world to sit on the phone and visit an old lady and do whatever it is that I want to do because I am a stay at home mother. But the truth is, I have 3 full time jobs that I do not get paid for. I don't get "days off" or requests to be gone that day: 

• I am a full time mother-- I do not have babysitters to watch Lilah. I don't let her sit in front of the tv   24/7 to keep her entertained. I am a single parent 2 weeks out of the month which also means I pull double duty
• I am a full time caregiver-- I do errands for Aunt Lee no matter what time of day it is. I drop off and fetch prescriptions even if it's out of my way. I bring her things she calls and needs when she is away from home. I check on her when she IS home. I make sure she eats and follows dr's orders. I call for help when she falls, I clean up when she makes a mess and asks me to. 
• I am a full time wife-- I cook everyday, clean dishes, keep track of budgets and bills, do laundry, take trash out, mop, change diapers, weed the garden, plant the garden, help with up keep on the pool whether I get to use it or not, I weed-eat.

 So I understand "busy" but there is no such thing as being too busy to make time for family. It doesn't take gas money to call. These days, it doesn't even COST anything to call with the way cell phones work.

I love my jobs, even when it gets overwhelming. Somedays I want to say "I quit" or "This is too hard" but I don't. The smile on my daughter's face when we play pattycake or walk thru the yard for our exercises makes my heart soar. Aunt Lee telling me that she appreciates all I do for her and that I am a wonderful person for caring about an old lady that isn't even my blood makes me glad to be able to help. And the knowledge that I have an amazing, caring, thoughtful husband right beside me (even if it's only every 2 weeks) takes the weight off my shoulders when he's home.

So yea. I can hold a grudge. But when it comes down to it and God asks me if I think I have done all I can in my life to live by His ideals, I can honestly say:

"Nope. Not even close. I have my faults and I have things I wish I could have changed. I wish I could be a little less angry and a little more forgiving. But I have been as good a mother as I could be. I have been as good a wife as I knew how to be. I have been a faithful, loving friend even when I was angry. I went out of my way to make someone else's day, everyday. And I am proud of that, if nothing else."

Empty My Hands

I've got voices in my head and they are so strong  

And I'm getting sick of this, oh Lord, how long  

Will I be haunted by the fear that I believe  

My hands like locks on cages  

Of these dreams I can't set free

It's been so long since I've had these feelings that I almost don't know what to do with them anymore. I remember a really bad time in my life when this used to be commonplace... The anger, the rage, the remorse and the tears. The insomnia. The lethargy. The hopelessness. I would keep myself busy with work and working out. I would drink to sleep. I would take pills after a few drinks to make sure I got a night's worth of sleep. And most of the time, I would pray. Pray to just not wake up. It was too much. All of it.

I'm seeing red more often again these days. I get so angry at the silliest things and I can't seem to control it. I've been running everyday this week for my aunt. Technically, she's Nathaniel's aunt, but she seems to have taken a liking to me so it's easier to call her my aunt as well. Everyday. During all the running, I haven't even been able to make it to the gym once this week. Wednesday was supposed to be my "day off". I wasn't going anywhere, no matter what. I wanted a day to catch up on my housework and play with my daughter without some interruption. Then the phone rang. It was the hospital: they found a clot in Aunt Lee's leg and needed me to bring her her stuff from rehab up to the hospital. I was so angry that I wanted to strangle her. If I could have gotten away with it, I think I would have beat her within an inch of her life And I would have been indifferent.

The anger doesn't make sense anymore. To get so angry like that for no reason. I remember when that used to be normal.. to get angry and stay that way for days. To keep everything bottled in. But it's so unfamiliar to me now that I can't remember how to channel it. So I lash out at everyone around me. I rag on Nathaniel about drinking and having fun with his friends because I'm tired of being left out. I condemn Josh and Kelsey for not ever making time for Aunt Lee because I want to be the one who gets to run away from someone else's family. And I resent Aunt Lee because this is supposed to be my happy time... I just got a wonderful baby and I'm getting married in two months but instead of getting to plan wedding stuff, I'm taking care of a stubborn, irritating old woman who is so set in her ways that she doesn't realize she is killing herself.

I don't get it. I'm not supposed to get postpartum when my daughter is over 9 months old.... That is something that happens in the beginning when the baby is new and all the stresses of being a parent become tangible. It's not supposed to happen when your daughter is smiling and laughing and learning to walk and talk. It just doesn't make sense to me. But everything I'm feeling, everything I've written down and then looked at later, points to postpartum. Which isn't really even a long stretch considering I already deal with "normal" depression and anxiety. I just don't want to believe it.

Some days are bad. I love Lilah and would never do anything to hurt her. But on the bad days, I find myself pushing her away and not talking to her for hours at a time other than to feed her and tell her to take a bite. She crawls after me when I'm walking around the house like a bird in a cage and cries when I won't talk to her, but I do it anyway. And I get angry for her not leaving me alone. I feel horrible and usually cry about it when she's down for her nap or bedtime where she can't see me. And I try to make it up to her when I'm feeling more like "me" but I don't want to be that kind of parent. The kind that continually does the wrong things and is forever apologizing for it. I had a parent like that and I always swore I would not do that to my babies, if I ever had them.

Other days are good. Almost normal. We get up and get breakfast and play patty-cake and peek-a-boo. We play fetch with Peanut; we watch our cartoons and walk around the yard. We laugh and dance. Those are the days that I enjoy. I workout when she goes down for a normal 2 hour nap. I get my housework done when she goes to bed on time. Then I have time to read or watch tv or just take a long hot shower. Those are the days that I try to focus on. But more and more in the last month, the bad days are starting to outnumber the good days. Especially when Nathaniel is at work for 2 weeks at a time now. Before, with only one week on our own, there didn't seem to be enough time for me to get to that point. But now, it's even worse than before.

I don't want to talk to anyone about PPD. I know what all the bible thumpers down here say. I don't want them trying to take my child or saying I'm "unfit". That's the part that scares me. I want to get back on anti-anxiety or anti-depressants. Even if it's just for a little while until I get to a point where I don't constantly feel so overwhelmed all the time. But I don't want to give anyone a reason to try to take my baby away... I've read horror stories about them removing children that are "in danger" and that scares the hell out of me.

So I guess I'll just continue to try to cope. I'm sorry to everyone I've snapped at lately. I'm trying to keep it under wraps, but these days, it is almost impossible... I'm letting everything go right here:

Aunt Lee's house is disgusting. I spent 3 weeks in October deep cleaning her house because she had a roach and black widow infestation (we had roaches migrating to our side because of sheer numbers). She had rotten food on her counter; her entire fridge was liquified and decomposing. The stuff she had been cooking with ALL said "refrigerate after opening" and she had clearly still been cooking with it. 3 of the 4 rooms in the house were covered in feces and urine (human AND animal). It took me 3 weeks to clean her house. Not to mention the amount of money on pesticides and chemicals I had to use. I texted Josh and Amanda to tell them what I was doing and ask for help since it was such a HUGE job and it was their Aunt-- even if it was to watch Lilah while I cleaned because I really didn't want her to be around all of the filth. She wasn't even 6 months old and the house was toxic. But No One came. Not in the 3 weeks it took to clean everything. Not a single person helped me and Nathaniel get her house back up to semi-livable conditions. I understand being busy. But not one day out of those 3 weeks. Not even for a few hours in those 3 weeks. That upset me. And I believe that this was the trigger for all of the pent up anger I have towards everyone.

Aunt Lee is not my Aunt. My family is 12 hours away. That is for a 1 way trip. 12 hours. But I make it up to see them 2-3 times a year. I understand everyone is busy. I do. But if you can't drive out here to see her, atleast for God's sake, call her once a month. I don't care if you ever see Lilah because of the drive. She has plenty of years left and time to get to know everyone. Aunt Lee is dying and no one even calls her to chat. It hurts her more than you think. 

So here are my apologies. Mostly, it's just to two people who really do mean a lot to me. I have been called an inconsiderate bitch. I've been called an emotional wreck. I've probably been called a lot more than I will ever know. But I try to be honest and I try to understand. But I guess some things are always going to be black and white to me....


Josh and Kelsey. Yes, I get mad because you guys never make it out here. I can say I understand until I'm blue in the face, but the truth is that I don't. I don't understand how you can love someone but never make an effort to see them when they are dying. Maybe some of that stems from the resentment I have towards my Great Uncles when Grandma was literally on her deathbed and they refused to make the 1 hour drive to say their goodbyes while she was alive. I will never forget the sadness and hurt on Grandma's face when the people she loved the most were too busy with their lives to say goodbye to someone they claimed they loved. She was suffering and in pain for 6 months and the doctors had only given her a couple of more months to live. But in all that time, they couldn't manage to take a break to say anything to her. And they never called.
So no, I guess I don't understand. I'm sorry for being angry at you for having busy lives and living so far away but I don't want to see that same hurt on Aunt Lee's face. Because the truth is that you guys will never see it. I will be the one here seeing it when she finally dies. But I truly am sorry for being angry. It is misplaced.

Aunt Lee. Damn I hate you sometimes. Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I had just told Nathaniel no when he asked me to marry him. God knows I wouldn't be trying to plan a wedding and thinking about a funeral at the same time. You are a stubborn, selfish old bat who refuses to listen to reason. Yea, yea, you can call me a bitch all you want. But the truth is, I have tried everything I could to help get you better and you refuse to give me any help. You won't even try to keep your house up. You won't ask for help when you know you need it. I have to strong arm you to go to the hospital when your doctor told you "the VERY NEXT TIME, go immediately to the ER"  You hoard things that attract roaches... you won't let us get rid of anything you have packed up that you haven't seen in the last 20 years because you want to keep them as mementos. You won't eat what your dr has told you to eat to get better. You won't listen to anyone. Some days I think you really are pulling the same card my Grandpa just pulled. That you've given up and you're just trying to die.  If you are, please let me know because I have never been good with dying. It bothers me because I can't seem to cry at the right moments. I'd rather pull away now while you're still somewhat coherent that have to remember what is going to come next. 


And myself. I offer no apologies because I have behaved badly and irrationally. I can't change how I feel and why I feel that way. 

I am overwhelmed. 
I am trying to plan a wedding with no help and on a small budget. 
I am taking care of a stubborn old woman who is getting worse and worse:
Her house is infested with roaches once again and more junk to replace the stuff I removed.
I am trying to be a good mommy to a little girl that probably deserves better.
I am trying to be a good wife to someone I know deserves much better.
I'm homesick and I need help.

Hell Week :)

Well. So far, so good as far as the parenting world is concerned.... I'm still learning thru trial and error, and it's taking me longer than originally thought to get my journal updated, but I'm getting there. Naptimes, Bedtimes and and times in between when she's happy to just be in Boppy or Bouncer, I'm on here trying to catch up. I'll get there eventually though. And then I can start writing regularly again. There's already so many feelings I want to try to get on paper. And soooo many realizations and reactions and things I never thought I would feel for someone I just met. It's overwhelming, but in a good way. I am loving every minute of it!

June 27, 2011
Today has been a little better. She's slept almost 3 hours in between feedings and hasn't been near as fussy. I'm hoping she isn't fussy tonight.. its usually worse at night. She hasn't had to have any milacon today either. I'm praying she settles down a little at night. Poor Nathaniel- he's been helping by letting me sleep in the mornings while he watches her for a few hours so his sleep schedule is all messed up and he has to go back on nights. :(
Lilah sprayed Nathaniel tonight lol We finished in the bedroom and I asked him to wake her up and change her while I cleaned up so I could feed her. I was washing my hands in the kitchen and they were in the living room and he yelped and started dancing around... I came in to finish changing her, just thinking she peed on him or something and saw a line on poo completely across the bassinet... he's so grossed out lol I'm still laughing. He went and put everything in the washer and the whole time, he just kept muttering "I just got shit on..." lol my poor baby lol
He really is a great daddy though.. He doesn't have to do a lot, but taking her so I can get some sleep and changing her (unlike my dad when we were little).. that stuff really means the most to me. And changing her and watching her so I can take a nap... that's the stuff that makes him a great man, husband and daddy :) I'll be glad when we actually get married. I already feel like I'm married but once my name changes... It's hard to put into words how that makes everything else feel different.

 She's getting so much better at smiling :)

June 28, 2011

Ahhh.  These are the days that I've been dreading and hoping I wouldn't have to deal with! Lilah has been crying and screaming for no reason off and on lately... I looked it up and talked to Robin and she says it sounds like colic. And the stuff online backs it up so I have a feeling its going to be a very very long week while Nathaniel is at work. God help anyone that comes.over if she gets colic as bad as Sam did... ill go nuts. And I really won't like people over here. Period. :"( please please please don't be colic... I feel like a horrible Mommy when I have to just let her cry cause there isn't anything that I can do that is working to calm her down.

June 29, 2011

Well. So far so good. I've been giving her milacon with almost every feeding and she's only fussed a few times. I tried to get her to sleep in her bassinet last night. (Nathaniel moved the bed so I could get the bassinet right up to the bed beside me.) She did good for about an hour and a half, but then she wanted in the bed with us... I put her in a pair of warm footie pjs but her little hands were like ice.. and the blankets and stuff in her crib were cold. I thought I was in for another loooong night with her crying but she was out within 5 minutes of getting in bed with us and she pretty much slept thru the night. She woke up 2 times to eat and then around 7 am. I put her back in the bassinet after I nursed her and she slept til about 1030 :)
So far, she's only been fussy a couple times, but its no where NEAR as bad as its been being. 

I know everyone says that I shouldn't let her sleep in bed with us, but I don't want her to cry instead of sleep. Even I said I didn't want her in our bed in the beginning and while I was pregnant. I know what BritneeRae is going thru and what she HAS gone thru with JJ not ever sleeping in his own bed. I don't want to have to break her of it when she's older... I was worried about spoiling her so I started looking it up online... There really isn't any spoiling her while she's this little. And crying is harder on her now, both emotionally and physically, than just letting her sleep where she feels safest. So that's a worry for another day. If she sleeps thru the night while she's next to me, then she can sleep there for a while longer.

June 30, 2011

I'm still working on finding the cause of Lilah's painful gas. I think I found the issue- possible formilk/hindmilk imbalance. My letdown is too fast and she's filling up on the lactose heavy formilk and not getting enough hindmilk to weigh it down. All of the symptoms fit and it makes sense. So I'm going to try the block feeding pattern and nursing on my back with her on my belly for a while to see if it helps. Every two hours, she can nurse as often as she wants, but only from one side... that will cut down on getting too much formilk from each side. And by me being on my back and nursing her on my tummy, the milk is having to work against gravity and is slowed down so she doesn't have to gulp to keep up and fill her belly with air.. I nursed her like that at 7 and she hasn't screamed but once for a second since and its almost 9 now... fingers crossed!!!
On another note, she sees Dr. Crowe tomorrow at 130. I got a referral and thank god Crowe is accepting new patients. I hope she's still gaining well enough. And she has to get her PKU test redone :'( then I have to go back to Sarfraz's office to get my Depo shot :)
I just pray that things keep going well... and that Lilah's poor belly settles down... I hate seeing her cry and knowing I can't do anything about it..

 My boob looks freaking HUGE lol

July 1, 2011

Lilah's first appointment with Dr Crowe! I like this Dr MUCH MUCH better and the nurse was awesome. To begin with, the nurse actually came into the reception area and introduced herself to me while I was filling out paperwork. Then she had me strip Lilah down to get her weight... I tried to tell her that Lilah's been kind of... "explosive" lately and she just laughed and said it wouldn't be the first time or the last. AND she actually talked to Lilah the whole time she was holding her and getting her weight and stuff (which I appreciated because it kept her calmer). Next we met Dr Crowe. He checked everything on her.. pupil dialation, palm and feet reflexes, spine alignment, hips, everything. Khateeb didn't do any of that. I asked him if that was what pediatricians were supposed to do and he said yes. He also asked a lot of questions and actually listened to what I was saying. He prescribed some hyosyne drops just incase her fussiness is due to colic and not gas.. He also told me that newborns are still uncoordinated when it comes to the digestive system and sometimes instead of relaxing, they clench and tense when they have to poop or pass gas-- which is another reason for the screaming :) I'm really glad we switched drs now. Crowe seems so much more attentive and the staff is more interactive with the patients (and parents).. the nurse even came out and introduced herself to me while I was filling out the paperwork.
After the Dr appt, we had to run by Sarfraz' office so I could get my shot... I think she did it in the wrong spot cause I feel really bruised now :/ but I'm not ready for another baby just yet, so its worth it lol
After that, we had to go to the hospital to redo the PKU test. Poor baby, she screamed and cried so bad.. and she was getting hungry and I forgot to grab a blanket to use as a nursing cover, so I asked the nurse If they had an empty room I could borrow for a few minutes. They let me use the nurses break room, which was really nice of them. The nurses name was Aubrey.. bigger girl with short, dark curly hair and blue eyes. I was really grateful.. I know it was a pain for them lol
After that, we rented some movies, got a pizza and came home. She slept a lot better in the bassinet once I got her fed and asleep. I'm hoping she's getting used to sleeping in it :) that would be a blessing! And the drops they gave seem to help her a bit :) she still cries, bit not near as much.

Nothing happened for the rest of the weekend.... We went to Alexandria to get some nursing bras and to grab a scrapbook for Monica since she doesn't have one for her little girl just yet. I ended up buying 4 books as well lol Atleast Target has them a couple dollars cheaper than the bookstore would! I nursed Lilah at the WalMart right outside Alex on our way in and out and she did really good the whole time we were shopping. It's getting to be a pain to carry the carseat though, but the stroller is so big and bulky for just a quick run in and out that I don't want to mess with it... Oh well. Anyway, we stayed around the house for the most part.. went by Wagon on our way home so everyone could see her and they all said she was adorable. Janee, Lo and Victoria just kept saying how pretty she was :)  I'm so proud of my little baby.... She's an amazing little creature

Week Two: Trial, Error and Oh-so-many Questions!!

June 20, 2011
It rained for a whole 2 minutes today. I was hoping it would rain more since this drought is starting to get on my damn nerves. It's barely rained the past 2 months. We pretty much just sat around. I cleaned a little bit.
Nathaniel called and said he'd be home Wednesday.. but he has to get his mother from Shreveport. She invited herself up there for Brian's surgery to burn off the piece of lung that keeps collapsing. It would be great if she would step up and grow up like the rest of the world -like her children- had to do to take care of her ass. Maybe I'm just being a bitch, but I really can't stand freeloaders that refuse to help [OR BETTER] themselves.
And I hope for her sake that she doesn't think she's going to come by and see Lilah that late because we will already be in bed by the time they make it home. I can see her trying to pull something like that after the baby shower incident. I wish she would realize that not everything is about her.

June 21, 2011

Braes birthday! We didn't do anything except clean the house today... we were gonna go by her house but she never answered my messages so we ended up just hanging out by ourselves. It also rained all day. Finally!! Now if it would just rain for a couple more days lol Atleast this mommy thing and breastfeeding is getting easier :)

 Yep. I'm sold :) completely and totally

June 22, 2011

Another Dr appointment today... I still don't like Khateeb, but this is her last chance to prove herself to me as a competent pediatrician. Her belly stump still hasn't fallen off, so she checked that and I asked about the fact that it's bleeding here and there. There's no odor or green stuff or pus coming out so I know it's not infected, but I don't remember Sam's bleeding like this. So Khateeb and her nurse's aid pinned her down and put silver nitrate on it. I know the Dr kept saying that it doesn't hurt her because there are no nerve endings on the stump, but dammit, there ARE nerve endings on her skin around the stump and she screamed and cried the whole time they were applying the nitrate. It's a quick drying agent and DOES have the ability to cause severe burns if applied to skin. AND she was crying so bad that she spit up and Khateeb just let her lay in it.. It was all over in her hair and everything. I was NOT amused.

Then she asked about Lilah's feeding schedule and nursing habits. I told her what's been going on with the eating every hour to two hours, depending on if it's day or night. Khateeb proceeded to get onto me about feeding her when ever she was hungry and told me that I needed to get her on a schedule to eat every 2.5-3 hours and not before. I'm completely appalled at the idea of scheduled feedings this early. She's a newborn. Their tummy's aren't going to hold a lot and their metabolism is higher so they can't be expected to eat on a set schedule. Especially since she's awake more often thru the day :( I still feed her every 2 hours or when she's hungry. She's not over eating or getting sick. So I'm gonna feed her how I see fit and to hell with what the Dr says on that part. She's gained 3/4 of a pound in a week.. Khateeb said that's only 3 oz, but I'm pretty sure its 12 oz. I wish they would do .pounds and ozs instead of the decimals at the Dr :/ Her weight this time was 6.95 lbs.. I looked it up online and that equals 6lb 15oz.
Bright side is that Nathaniel  is on his way home :) Brian is still in ICU in Shreveport for monitoring so he didn't have to pick his mother up. I just hope he doesn't have to go pick her up later. I wish Christine would stop and think things thru a little more before she decided to do something.. but is wishes were fishes, we'd walk on the sea... :(  That, and asking her to think about others before herself is like talking to a brick wall :/

June 23, 2011

I love just watching her :) I'm still in amazement that we created something so tiny and beautiful. She's starting to smile more too. And she giggles when she's sleeping sometimes. I can't get over the toothless little grin she does... it's so innocent and sweet. I lover her so much :D

I still can't get over the fact that she's HERE lol and that she used to fit INSIDE me!!!
Her belly stump came off today too. Well, sometime thru the night, anyway. It wasn't there when we woke up. But now her little belly button is bloody.. I really hope that's normal. Robin said that Grayson's oozed a little bit for a few days after his fell off because the inside of it has to dry out. I'll keep cleaning it with alcohol until her next appointment and I can get it checked out.

 Daddy was tired.. He works hard to take good care of us <3

June 24, 2011

Yay sex for the first time! Nathaniel was so worried about getting me pregnant again so soon... It was cute :) We spent almost 2 hours talking about it and the possible consequences of it before we actually did anything.. But in the end, it was too much for both of us lol We used a condom and it did irritate me a little, but condoms always did, so that was to be expected. But no bleeding or anything!! Just a little sore... but we haven't done anything in 3 weeks, so I expected to be tender... atleast he was really really gentle with me :) Lol talk about a freaking 180 from when we first met!!! Lol

 She looks like a little cresent moon... Her paci could be a green star (or an alien!!!)

June 25, 2011

Lilah has been spitting up more often lately. I looked it up online and its normal... she's just eating too much too fast and getting air in the feedings at night. Looks like were going back to me actually getting up/sitting up to feed her instead of laying down on my side. I'm hoping that will help cut down on the spitting up.

She's happy most of the time though and she doesn't feel like she's losing weight, so I'm not going to Stress over it. She's still as awake and alert for 3-4 hours a day as she was in the beginning.  I have GOT to remember to call Dr Crowe and see if he's accepting new patients on Monday. Then I go Thursday to get on birth control and so he can look to see how I'm healing up. And ill probably swing by the hospital so they can re-stick her heel for the failed PKU test :( my poor baby... I know she's going to cry but she has to have it redone to test for the diseases that newborns can get)
Her belly button is still bleeding a little too. I cleaned it when she got her bath today, but I checked it a couple hours later and it has little crusties around it again... I hope that's normal. I'm still cleaning it with alcohol (which she does NOT like.. no nerve endings my ass, she cries every time I clean it no matter how easy I am) and spritzing it with neosporin every time I change her. I'm gonna give it a few more days to see if it stops leaking, then ill take her to the Dr... I'm praying I can get her into Crowe.. I really really really do NOT like Khateeb or her practices with newborns.

 She already holds her own paci in her mouth!!

June 26, 2011

Lilah has been getting really fussy at night... right around bedtime and usually til about 2 am. I don't know what to do. When she won't stop crying, I just want to sit in a corner and cry until she shuts up. I know sometimes babies just cry but I don't like seeing her like that.. it makes me feel bad :'(
Her eating has been erratic too.. sometimes she is hungry after and hour and a half and other times she goes for 3 hours before she's hungry.. she still pooping and peeing regularly so I know she's getting enough to eat, and she FEELS like she's gaining weight so I'm pretty sure she's getting enough. I still have to call Crowe and Dobbins tomorrow to see if they're accepting new patients :/
Nathaniel ordered a bouncer chair for her too so she can sit up and look around more.. I know laying down all the time gets old :( Mom was the one that suggested the pumpkin seat for her instead of holding her all the time. This way, she can be comfy without feeling so smothered lol And maybe I can get some stuff done around the house since I won't have to hold her :))

The First Week: Initiation

I didn't keep a detailed account of the last month, but I did keep track of the highlights that I want to remember.. Mom and Sam stayed for most of the week and left after Nathaniel did for work. Mom said it was so we would have time to bond but that didn't feel like the whole reason and she wouldn't tell me the rest. I dunno. I enjoyed them being here while they were though!! Hopefully they'll come back soon!!!!

June 13, 2011
Lilah had her first appointment with the pediatrician today. Dr. Naila Khateeb. First thing they did was to weigh her.. Nathaniel and I both looked at the scales when they weighed her and we both swore it said 5.91 pounds.. but evidently the nurses looked at it and read it wrong because the next thing I know, Khateeb is saying that she is severely underweight. "She has lost more than 10% of her body weight. The reason she is not waking up to eat is because she is getting very weak. You need to supplement your breastfeeding with bottles because she is not getting enough to eat," were the words she said to me. I was so crushed that I didn't even think to say anything about how she got 5 pounds 1 ounce from 5.91 pounds. I thought she was eating good and she was awake and alert several hours a day and everything. I thought I was doing a good job and then to have her tell me I was hurting my baby... I felt like the worst person in the world. I cut my hip a little when we got home. Mom and Nathaniel both wanted to know why I was crying and I didn't want to tell them it was because I was ashamed so I just went and laid in bed for a while. Nathaniel had to go do something so I got up and went and held Lilah after he left and apologized to her. I talked to Robin and she said the Dr was an idiot. I talked to Mom and she said that not being able to breastfeed wasn't my fault and that it was hereditary... Robin said that it's probably because my milk hasn't come in yet but that I should give it til Thursday because it takes longer to get milk after a c-section. So I felt a little better after I ranted to them for a while. Mom said that I needed to call the Dr on misreading the scales next time we went. We had to go back on Wednesday for another weight check anyway.

5 lb 14 oz  

 June 14, 2011
Hahaha Nathaniel was changing her diaper before bed while I ate some cereal. All of a sudden, he started hollering the the house and I couldn't understand what he was saying so I told him not to yell cause he'd scare her (she's never heard raised voices before, even in the womb, and she was asleep)... he came in the kitchen with the most disgusted look on his face and asked me to finish changing her. I asked him why and he said she wasn't done pooping... She pooped on him while he had her diaper off her. "It won't stop coming out!!" I thought mom and Sam were going to die laughing.. I was laughing so hard that I hurt my incision and couldn't breathe... but we got her changed and everything was okay again. Atleast he got some wipes under her butt before he ran out of the room XD

June 15, 2011

Hehheh yea.. my turn :/ I took a shower bright and early because we had another dr appointment that afternoon. After I took my shower, I had Lilah stripped down to get her ready for a bath. As I was walking with her from the living room to the kitchen, Mom started laughing about the time I felt something drip down my shirt... She peed on me lol Mom thought it was hilarious. After her bath, I handed her to Mom to hold while I went and got an outfit for her to wear. Mom was holding her on the table to air dry without a diaper for a little bit (like she did with all of her kids) and Lilah peed on the table lmao and Mom's arm... Ahhh the simple joys of life. I'm loving it.
So her dr appointment went a little better this time. Her weight was  6.23 lbs (which is 6 lb 3 oz). It was the same nurse that was doing her weight and I told her that she wrote her weight down wrong last time. That there was no way Lilah was barely over 5 pounds and now she was over 6 in not even 2 days. She looked at the records and agreed with me. "Yea, there's no way she's gained that much in such a short amount of time," she said. She apologized and said that it was her fault, that she should have double checked the aide in training that read off the weight. She tried to make me feel bad by saying she would let the dr know about the mix up but that she was probably going to get in trouble.
When we finally got to see the Dr (who STILL mispronounced her name no matter how many times I corrected her), she said that the nurse had informed her about the mix up and that she was still a little concerned about her weight and that I should keep supplementing until my milk comes in really well. I gotta say, I was pretty pissed about the offhanded way she apologized, like it was nothing to have told a NEW MOTHER that she was STARVING her child to death. I found it very rude and unprofessional. Looking back on it, I'm irritated that she didn't double check the weight on Monday when they said her weight was so low. You'd think they would make sure on things like that before they make such callous remarks. Her next appointment was scheduled for a week later. I told Robin and Mom what happened. Robin told me to find another pediatrician. I told her that I wanted to wait to see if maybe it was just because I was so new that she was being like that.

Oiy I haz a headache...

June 16, 2011
Nathaniel left for work this morning.. I'm sad because it feels like I didn't get to spend any time with him at all this week... Its been a regular circus. We were in the hospital his first 2 days home.. then he had to work friday. We had Saturday together (which was really nice) and then Mom and Sam got here on Sunday and were here until this afternoon. I wouldn't have traded seeing them for the world but I feel like we didn't get any real family time... next week its just gonna be us. Were gonna rent some movies, lock the doors and take a home vacation. Just me, him and Lilah May :) The house feels so quiet without anyone here.. It's amazing how little time it takes to get used to something. And it makes me even more anxious to go back to Missouri so everyone can meet our little angel.

I asked her if she loved Daddy and she smiled :)

June 17, 2011

Short and sweet.. nothing much happened today. However, she did get me pretty good. Yep. Wasn't finished when I went to change her diaper... Got me with both of them, poop and pee... I texted Nathaniel and told him and he just laughed at me :/

Uh huh. Don't let the innocent look fool you lol

June 18, 2011

So I called the hospital about my incision site this morning because there's a lump in the right side that goes almost an inch above the incision.. They told me if its not puffy, red or leaking to just watch it buit if it gets bigger, to come in. I'm moving around a lot better now. I'm down to one motrin and one pain pill before bed. I only take them then because I get stiff with sleeping and it hurts more when I have to get up to pee and everything. Lilah is still sleeping in the bed with me, so I don't have to worry about bending over and picking her up out of the bassinet.
I looked up the swelling online and it looks like its pretty common. Something to do with a build up of fatty/scar tissue and that there's not a lot I can do about it.  Once its completely healed, you can do a type of percussion massage that will help break down the tissue. But atleast at 10 days post pardum, I'm back to 160... hopefully it'll keep dropping :D

June 19, 2011
Father's Day! I wish Nathaniel was home for his first father's day.. But he's at work. He did have a gaurdian angel watching over him at work. He was headed to his new rig location, going about 60 mph and his back rim blew out on him. The RIM, not the TIRE. I asked him how bad it could have or should have been, and he said it should have put him in the trees. It split in a spiral from the very inside of the rim. It it had been a front tire, we'd probably have been headed to the hospital. Thank you Derek and Grandma, for watching over my baby. And especially on Father's Day. You have no idea how grateful I am and how grateful Lilah is. You saved the most important man in her life :)

So we survived our first week as a family. Mentally, physically and emotionally, we have begun a new chapter in our lives that is sure to be the best adventure yet. And it has only just begun :)

Live, Laugh, Love and Dream