Hell Week :)

Well. So far, so good as far as the parenting world is concerned.... I'm still learning thru trial and error, and it's taking me longer than originally thought to get my journal updated, but I'm getting there. Naptimes, Bedtimes and and times in between when she's happy to just be in Boppy or Bouncer, I'm on here trying to catch up. I'll get there eventually though. And then I can start writing regularly again. There's already so many feelings I want to try to get on paper. And soooo many realizations and reactions and things I never thought I would feel for someone I just met. It's overwhelming, but in a good way. I am loving every minute of it!

June 27, 2011
Today has been a little better. She's slept almost 3 hours in between feedings and hasn't been near as fussy. I'm hoping she isn't fussy tonight.. its usually worse at night. She hasn't had to have any milacon today either. I'm praying she settles down a little at night. Poor Nathaniel- he's been helping by letting me sleep in the mornings while he watches her for a few hours so his sleep schedule is all messed up and he has to go back on nights. :(
Lilah sprayed Nathaniel tonight lol We finished in the bedroom and I asked him to wake her up and change her while I cleaned up so I could feed her. I was washing my hands in the kitchen and they were in the living room and he yelped and started dancing around... I came in to finish changing her, just thinking she peed on him or something and saw a line on poo completely across the bassinet... he's so grossed out lol I'm still laughing. He went and put everything in the washer and the whole time, he just kept muttering "I just got shit on..." lol my poor baby lol
He really is a great daddy though.. He doesn't have to do a lot, but taking her so I can get some sleep and changing her (unlike my dad when we were little).. that stuff really means the most to me. And changing her and watching her so I can take a nap... that's the stuff that makes him a great man, husband and daddy :) I'll be glad when we actually get married. I already feel like I'm married but once my name changes... It's hard to put into words how that makes everything else feel different.

 She's getting so much better at smiling :)

June 28, 2011

Ahhh.  These are the days that I've been dreading and hoping I wouldn't have to deal with! Lilah has been crying and screaming for no reason off and on lately... I looked it up and talked to Robin and she says it sounds like colic. And the stuff online backs it up so I have a feeling its going to be a very very long week while Nathaniel is at work. God help anyone that comes.over if she gets colic as bad as Sam did... ill go nuts. And I really won't like people over here. Period. :"( please please please don't be colic... I feel like a horrible Mommy when I have to just let her cry cause there isn't anything that I can do that is working to calm her down.

June 29, 2011

Well. So far so good. I've been giving her milacon with almost every feeding and she's only fussed a few times. I tried to get her to sleep in her bassinet last night. (Nathaniel moved the bed so I could get the bassinet right up to the bed beside me.) She did good for about an hour and a half, but then she wanted in the bed with us... I put her in a pair of warm footie pjs but her little hands were like ice.. and the blankets and stuff in her crib were cold. I thought I was in for another loooong night with her crying but she was out within 5 minutes of getting in bed with us and she pretty much slept thru the night. She woke up 2 times to eat and then around 7 am. I put her back in the bassinet after I nursed her and she slept til about 1030 :)
So far, she's only been fussy a couple times, but its no where NEAR as bad as its been being. 

I know everyone says that I shouldn't let her sleep in bed with us, but I don't want her to cry instead of sleep. Even I said I didn't want her in our bed in the beginning and while I was pregnant. I know what BritneeRae is going thru and what she HAS gone thru with JJ not ever sleeping in his own bed. I don't want to have to break her of it when she's older... I was worried about spoiling her so I started looking it up online... There really isn't any spoiling her while she's this little. And crying is harder on her now, both emotionally and physically, than just letting her sleep where she feels safest. So that's a worry for another day. If she sleeps thru the night while she's next to me, then she can sleep there for a while longer.

June 30, 2011

I'm still working on finding the cause of Lilah's painful gas. I think I found the issue- possible formilk/hindmilk imbalance. My letdown is too fast and she's filling up on the lactose heavy formilk and not getting enough hindmilk to weigh it down. All of the symptoms fit and it makes sense. So I'm going to try the block feeding pattern and nursing on my back with her on my belly for a while to see if it helps. Every two hours, she can nurse as often as she wants, but only from one side... that will cut down on getting too much formilk from each side. And by me being on my back and nursing her on my tummy, the milk is having to work against gravity and is slowed down so she doesn't have to gulp to keep up and fill her belly with air.. I nursed her like that at 7 and she hasn't screamed but once for a second since and its almost 9 now... fingers crossed!!!
On another note, she sees Dr. Crowe tomorrow at 130. I got a referral and thank god Crowe is accepting new patients. I hope she's still gaining well enough. And she has to get her PKU test redone :'( then I have to go back to Sarfraz's office to get my Depo shot :)
I just pray that things keep going well... and that Lilah's poor belly settles down... I hate seeing her cry and knowing I can't do anything about it..

 My boob looks freaking HUGE lol

July 1, 2011

Lilah's first appointment with Dr Crowe! I like this Dr MUCH MUCH better and the nurse was awesome. To begin with, the nurse actually came into the reception area and introduced herself to me while I was filling out paperwork. Then she had me strip Lilah down to get her weight... I tried to tell her that Lilah's been kind of... "explosive" lately and she just laughed and said it wouldn't be the first time or the last. AND she actually talked to Lilah the whole time she was holding her and getting her weight and stuff (which I appreciated because it kept her calmer). Next we met Dr Crowe. He checked everything on her.. pupil dialation, palm and feet reflexes, spine alignment, hips, everything. Khateeb didn't do any of that. I asked him if that was what pediatricians were supposed to do and he said yes. He also asked a lot of questions and actually listened to what I was saying. He prescribed some hyosyne drops just incase her fussiness is due to colic and not gas.. He also told me that newborns are still uncoordinated when it comes to the digestive system and sometimes instead of relaxing, they clench and tense when they have to poop or pass gas-- which is another reason for the screaming :) I'm really glad we switched drs now. Crowe seems so much more attentive and the staff is more interactive with the patients (and parents).. the nurse even came out and introduced herself to me while I was filling out the paperwork.
After the Dr appt, we had to run by Sarfraz' office so I could get my shot... I think she did it in the wrong spot cause I feel really bruised now :/ but I'm not ready for another baby just yet, so its worth it lol
After that, we had to go to the hospital to redo the PKU test. Poor baby, she screamed and cried so bad.. and she was getting hungry and I forgot to grab a blanket to use as a nursing cover, so I asked the nurse If they had an empty room I could borrow for a few minutes. They let me use the nurses break room, which was really nice of them. The nurses name was Aubrey.. bigger girl with short, dark curly hair and blue eyes. I was really grateful.. I know it was a pain for them lol
After that, we rented some movies, got a pizza and came home. She slept a lot better in the bassinet once I got her fed and asleep. I'm hoping she's getting used to sleeping in it :) that would be a blessing! And the drops they gave seem to help her a bit :) she still cries, bit not near as much.

Nothing happened for the rest of the weekend.... We went to Alexandria to get some nursing bras and to grab a scrapbook for Monica since she doesn't have one for her little girl just yet. I ended up buying 4 books as well lol Atleast Target has them a couple dollars cheaper than the bookstore would! I nursed Lilah at the WalMart right outside Alex on our way in and out and she did really good the whole time we were shopping. It's getting to be a pain to carry the carseat though, but the stroller is so big and bulky for just a quick run in and out that I don't want to mess with it... Oh well. Anyway, we stayed around the house for the most part.. went by Wagon on our way home so everyone could see her and they all said she was adorable. Janee, Lo and Victoria just kept saying how pretty she was :)  I'm so proud of my little baby.... She's an amazing little creature

Week Two: Trial, Error and Oh-so-many Questions!!

June 20, 2011
It rained for a whole 2 minutes today. I was hoping it would rain more since this drought is starting to get on my damn nerves. It's barely rained the past 2 months. We pretty much just sat around. I cleaned a little bit.
Nathaniel called and said he'd be home Wednesday.. but he has to get his mother from Shreveport. She invited herself up there for Brian's surgery to burn off the piece of lung that keeps collapsing. It would be great if she would step up and grow up like the rest of the world -like her children- had to do to take care of her ass. Maybe I'm just being a bitch, but I really can't stand freeloaders that refuse to help [OR BETTER] themselves.
And I hope for her sake that she doesn't think she's going to come by and see Lilah that late because we will already be in bed by the time they make it home. I can see her trying to pull something like that after the baby shower incident. I wish she would realize that not everything is about her.

June 21, 2011

Braes birthday! We didn't do anything except clean the house today... we were gonna go by her house but she never answered my messages so we ended up just hanging out by ourselves. It also rained all day. Finally!! Now if it would just rain for a couple more days lol Atleast this mommy thing and breastfeeding is getting easier :)

 Yep. I'm sold :) completely and totally

June 22, 2011

Another Dr appointment today... I still don't like Khateeb, but this is her last chance to prove herself to me as a competent pediatrician. Her belly stump still hasn't fallen off, so she checked that and I asked about the fact that it's bleeding here and there. There's no odor or green stuff or pus coming out so I know it's not infected, but I don't remember Sam's bleeding like this. So Khateeb and her nurse's aid pinned her down and put silver nitrate on it. I know the Dr kept saying that it doesn't hurt her because there are no nerve endings on the stump, but dammit, there ARE nerve endings on her skin around the stump and she screamed and cried the whole time they were applying the nitrate. It's a quick drying agent and DOES have the ability to cause severe burns if applied to skin. AND she was crying so bad that she spit up and Khateeb just let her lay in it.. It was all over in her hair and everything. I was NOT amused.

Then she asked about Lilah's feeding schedule and nursing habits. I told her what's been going on with the eating every hour to two hours, depending on if it's day or night. Khateeb proceeded to get onto me about feeding her when ever she was hungry and told me that I needed to get her on a schedule to eat every 2.5-3 hours and not before. I'm completely appalled at the idea of scheduled feedings this early. She's a newborn. Their tummy's aren't going to hold a lot and their metabolism is higher so they can't be expected to eat on a set schedule. Especially since she's awake more often thru the day :( I still feed her every 2 hours or when she's hungry. She's not over eating or getting sick. So I'm gonna feed her how I see fit and to hell with what the Dr says on that part. She's gained 3/4 of a pound in a week.. Khateeb said that's only 3 oz, but I'm pretty sure its 12 oz. I wish they would do .pounds and ozs instead of the decimals at the Dr :/ Her weight this time was 6.95 lbs.. I looked it up online and that equals 6lb 15oz.
Bright side is that Nathaniel  is on his way home :) Brian is still in ICU in Shreveport for monitoring so he didn't have to pick his mother up. I just hope he doesn't have to go pick her up later. I wish Christine would stop and think things thru a little more before she decided to do something.. but is wishes were fishes, we'd walk on the sea... :(  That, and asking her to think about others before herself is like talking to a brick wall :/

June 23, 2011

I love just watching her :) I'm still in amazement that we created something so tiny and beautiful. She's starting to smile more too. And she giggles when she's sleeping sometimes. I can't get over the toothless little grin she does... it's so innocent and sweet. I lover her so much :D

I still can't get over the fact that she's HERE lol and that she used to fit INSIDE me!!!
Her belly stump came off today too. Well, sometime thru the night, anyway. It wasn't there when we woke up. But now her little belly button is bloody.. I really hope that's normal. Robin said that Grayson's oozed a little bit for a few days after his fell off because the inside of it has to dry out. I'll keep cleaning it with alcohol until her next appointment and I can get it checked out.

 Daddy was tired.. He works hard to take good care of us <3

June 24, 2011

Yay sex for the first time! Nathaniel was so worried about getting me pregnant again so soon... It was cute :) We spent almost 2 hours talking about it and the possible consequences of it before we actually did anything.. But in the end, it was too much for both of us lol We used a condom and it did irritate me a little, but condoms always did, so that was to be expected. But no bleeding or anything!! Just a little sore... but we haven't done anything in 3 weeks, so I expected to be tender... atleast he was really really gentle with me :) Lol talk about a freaking 180 from when we first met!!! Lol

 She looks like a little cresent moon... Her paci could be a green star (or an alien!!!)

June 25, 2011

Lilah has been spitting up more often lately. I looked it up online and its normal... she's just eating too much too fast and getting air in the feedings at night. Looks like were going back to me actually getting up/sitting up to feed her instead of laying down on my side. I'm hoping that will help cut down on the spitting up.

She's happy most of the time though and she doesn't feel like she's losing weight, so I'm not going to Stress over it. She's still as awake and alert for 3-4 hours a day as she was in the beginning.  I have GOT to remember to call Dr Crowe and see if he's accepting new patients on Monday. Then I go Thursday to get on birth control and so he can look to see how I'm healing up. And ill probably swing by the hospital so they can re-stick her heel for the failed PKU test :( my poor baby... I know she's going to cry but she has to have it redone to test for the diseases that newborns can get)
Her belly button is still bleeding a little too. I cleaned it when she got her bath today, but I checked it a couple hours later and it has little crusties around it again... I hope that's normal. I'm still cleaning it with alcohol (which she does NOT like.. no nerve endings my ass, she cries every time I clean it no matter how easy I am) and spritzing it with neosporin every time I change her. I'm gonna give it a few more days to see if it stops leaking, then ill take her to the Dr... I'm praying I can get her into Crowe.. I really really really do NOT like Khateeb or her practices with newborns.

 She already holds her own paci in her mouth!!

June 26, 2011

Lilah has been getting really fussy at night... right around bedtime and usually til about 2 am. I don't know what to do. When she won't stop crying, I just want to sit in a corner and cry until she shuts up. I know sometimes babies just cry but I don't like seeing her like that.. it makes me feel bad :'(
Her eating has been erratic too.. sometimes she is hungry after and hour and a half and other times she goes for 3 hours before she's hungry.. she still pooping and peeing regularly so I know she's getting enough to eat, and she FEELS like she's gaining weight so I'm pretty sure she's getting enough. I still have to call Crowe and Dobbins tomorrow to see if they're accepting new patients :/
Nathaniel ordered a bouncer chair for her too so she can sit up and look around more.. I know laying down all the time gets old :( Mom was the one that suggested the pumpkin seat for her instead of holding her all the time. This way, she can be comfy without feeling so smothered lol And maybe I can get some stuff done around the house since I won't have to hold her :))

The First Week: Initiation

I didn't keep a detailed account of the last month, but I did keep track of the highlights that I want to remember.. Mom and Sam stayed for most of the week and left after Nathaniel did for work. Mom said it was so we would have time to bond but that didn't feel like the whole reason and she wouldn't tell me the rest. I dunno. I enjoyed them being here while they were though!! Hopefully they'll come back soon!!!!

June 13, 2011
Lilah had her first appointment with the pediatrician today. Dr. Naila Khateeb. First thing they did was to weigh her.. Nathaniel and I both looked at the scales when they weighed her and we both swore it said 5.91 pounds.. but evidently the nurses looked at it and read it wrong because the next thing I know, Khateeb is saying that she is severely underweight. "She has lost more than 10% of her body weight. The reason she is not waking up to eat is because she is getting very weak. You need to supplement your breastfeeding with bottles because she is not getting enough to eat," were the words she said to me. I was so crushed that I didn't even think to say anything about how she got 5 pounds 1 ounce from 5.91 pounds. I thought she was eating good and she was awake and alert several hours a day and everything. I thought I was doing a good job and then to have her tell me I was hurting my baby... I felt like the worst person in the world. I cut my hip a little when we got home. Mom and Nathaniel both wanted to know why I was crying and I didn't want to tell them it was because I was ashamed so I just went and laid in bed for a while. Nathaniel had to go do something so I got up and went and held Lilah after he left and apologized to her. I talked to Robin and she said the Dr was an idiot. I talked to Mom and she said that not being able to breastfeed wasn't my fault and that it was hereditary... Robin said that it's probably because my milk hasn't come in yet but that I should give it til Thursday because it takes longer to get milk after a c-section. So I felt a little better after I ranted to them for a while. Mom said that I needed to call the Dr on misreading the scales next time we went. We had to go back on Wednesday for another weight check anyway.

5 lb 14 oz  

 June 14, 2011
Hahaha Nathaniel was changing her diaper before bed while I ate some cereal. All of a sudden, he started hollering the the house and I couldn't understand what he was saying so I told him not to yell cause he'd scare her (she's never heard raised voices before, even in the womb, and she was asleep)... he came in the kitchen with the most disgusted look on his face and asked me to finish changing her. I asked him why and he said she wasn't done pooping... She pooped on him while he had her diaper off her. "It won't stop coming out!!" I thought mom and Sam were going to die laughing.. I was laughing so hard that I hurt my incision and couldn't breathe... but we got her changed and everything was okay again. Atleast he got some wipes under her butt before he ran out of the room XD

June 15, 2011

Hehheh yea.. my turn :/ I took a shower bright and early because we had another dr appointment that afternoon. After I took my shower, I had Lilah stripped down to get her ready for a bath. As I was walking with her from the living room to the kitchen, Mom started laughing about the time I felt something drip down my shirt... She peed on me lol Mom thought it was hilarious. After her bath, I handed her to Mom to hold while I went and got an outfit for her to wear. Mom was holding her on the table to air dry without a diaper for a little bit (like she did with all of her kids) and Lilah peed on the table lmao and Mom's arm... Ahhh the simple joys of life. I'm loving it.
So her dr appointment went a little better this time. Her weight was  6.23 lbs (which is 6 lb 3 oz). It was the same nurse that was doing her weight and I told her that she wrote her weight down wrong last time. That there was no way Lilah was barely over 5 pounds and now she was over 6 in not even 2 days. She looked at the records and agreed with me. "Yea, there's no way she's gained that much in such a short amount of time," she said. She apologized and said that it was her fault, that she should have double checked the aide in training that read off the weight. She tried to make me feel bad by saying she would let the dr know about the mix up but that she was probably going to get in trouble.
When we finally got to see the Dr (who STILL mispronounced her name no matter how many times I corrected her), she said that the nurse had informed her about the mix up and that she was still a little concerned about her weight and that I should keep supplementing until my milk comes in really well. I gotta say, I was pretty pissed about the offhanded way she apologized, like it was nothing to have told a NEW MOTHER that she was STARVING her child to death. I found it very rude and unprofessional. Looking back on it, I'm irritated that she didn't double check the weight on Monday when they said her weight was so low. You'd think they would make sure on things like that before they make such callous remarks. Her next appointment was scheduled for a week later. I told Robin and Mom what happened. Robin told me to find another pediatrician. I told her that I wanted to wait to see if maybe it was just because I was so new that she was being like that.

Oiy I haz a headache...

June 16, 2011
Nathaniel left for work this morning.. I'm sad because it feels like I didn't get to spend any time with him at all this week... Its been a regular circus. We were in the hospital his first 2 days home.. then he had to work friday. We had Saturday together (which was really nice) and then Mom and Sam got here on Sunday and were here until this afternoon. I wouldn't have traded seeing them for the world but I feel like we didn't get any real family time... next week its just gonna be us. Were gonna rent some movies, lock the doors and take a home vacation. Just me, him and Lilah May :) The house feels so quiet without anyone here.. It's amazing how little time it takes to get used to something. And it makes me even more anxious to go back to Missouri so everyone can meet our little angel.

I asked her if she loved Daddy and she smiled :)

June 17, 2011

Short and sweet.. nothing much happened today. However, she did get me pretty good. Yep. Wasn't finished when I went to change her diaper... Got me with both of them, poop and pee... I texted Nathaniel and told him and he just laughed at me :/

Uh huh. Don't let the innocent look fool you lol

June 18, 2011

So I called the hospital about my incision site this morning because there's a lump in the right side that goes almost an inch above the incision.. They told me if its not puffy, red or leaking to just watch it buit if it gets bigger, to come in. I'm moving around a lot better now. I'm down to one motrin and one pain pill before bed. I only take them then because I get stiff with sleeping and it hurts more when I have to get up to pee and everything. Lilah is still sleeping in the bed with me, so I don't have to worry about bending over and picking her up out of the bassinet.
I looked up the swelling online and it looks like its pretty common. Something to do with a build up of fatty/scar tissue and that there's not a lot I can do about it.  Once its completely healed, you can do a type of percussion massage that will help break down the tissue. But atleast at 10 days post pardum, I'm back to 160... hopefully it'll keep dropping :D

June 19, 2011
Father's Day! I wish Nathaniel was home for his first father's day.. But he's at work. He did have a gaurdian angel watching over him at work. He was headed to his new rig location, going about 60 mph and his back rim blew out on him. The RIM, not the TIRE. I asked him how bad it could have or should have been, and he said it should have put him in the trees. It split in a spiral from the very inside of the rim. It it had been a front tire, we'd probably have been headed to the hospital. Thank you Derek and Grandma, for watching over my baby. And especially on Father's Day. You have no idea how grateful I am and how grateful Lilah is. You saved the most important man in her life :)

So we survived our first week as a family. Mentally, physically and emotionally, we have begun a new chapter in our lives that is sure to be the best adventure yet. And it has only just begun :)

Live, Laugh, Love and Dream

A Day Alone [[Surrounded by Family]]

June 10, 2011
Nathaniel had to leave early this morning to go to Tyler, TX for a class for work so it was just me and Lilah here. I was still moving really slow because my tummy hurt but I managed by myself. Lilah woke up around 730 to nurse and she was back asleep by 745 (lets hear it for sleepy babies!!) I had just eaten a bowl of cereal when someone started tapping on my door at 8. It was Ms. Christine. Lilah was asleep in the bassinet in the living room and the tv was on real quiet so I walked to the bathroom and was going to pretend I was asleep. After knocking for a few minutes on the door, she walked around and started tapping on the bedroom window, which really pissed me off. If I HAD been asleep and she had done that, I would NOT have been as cordial when I answered the door. As it was, I went ahead and answered it. She looked past me and looked around and asked how I was and if I had eaten breakfast and needed help. I told her Lilah had just eaten and was already asleep and that I already ate and no, thank you, but I didn't need any help.  I think she was disappointed that I didn't offer her to come in but I was not in the mood to deal with her. Not while Nathaniel wasn't here. So she left and it was nice and quiet again.

We managed pretty good all day. I kept getting up and walking around to keep my stomach working.I ate some mac and cheese for lunch then I called Mom and talked for a little while and she told me that her and Sam were coming down and would be here Sunday. I was excited!! Mom hasn't been down here yet to visit, not once since I moved in 2005 so she hasn't seen how pretty it is down here. And it would be a trip for Sam, who's never been out of Missouri :) I texted Nathaniel and told him and asked if it was okay and he said it was...

Nathaniel got home around 9 and brought pizza. I did good and only took 2 pain pills and one motrin all day. I didn't want to get addicted to them and I'm usually good at managing my own pain. It still hurt like hell to get up and down but it had to hurt in order to get better, right?

                                                                      Lilah: 2 days old

June 12, 2011
Yay!! Mom and Sam got in!! We loaded up in the truck and went to Waffle Shoppe to eat breakfast and meet them to lead them thru the maze that we live in. I love my waffles with strawberries and whip cream. It's like crack. Only better. And JUST as addicting lol

They finally showed up and ordered breakfast and Mom kept saying how beautiful she was and how much hair she has :) Proud Gramma, that's for sure. She held her the whole time we were there. When we got home, she let Bear out and he went nuts. Got to see Bella {who was intrigued and wanted to play, much to Bear's dismay lol} Rick and Monica were at the house when we got here as well. Rick hadn't gotten to see Lilah yet and Monica had only seen her for a few minutes at the hospital in the middle of the parade that came to say hello.

Rick was amazed by how tiny she was and wouldn't hold her until he sat down. We stayed on the porch visiting for a while. Lilah farted on him, right in his hand, which was hilarious lol She definately knows her Uncle Rick. Monica was just as excited to hold her {she's due in August with her little girl and she said she is SOOOOO ready}. Nathaniel went to check the pool and apparantly there were a couple of dead frogs in the filter lol Sam ended up rescuing him since Rick wouldn't.. Poor Nathaniel :/

All in all, it was a very happy, busy day. I'm kind of worried that Mom isn't eating much. Still drinks coffee like crazy, but she only eats a bite or two when she does eat. Mom is eating less than I was before I got pregnant and I was TRYING to lose weight. I hope it's just a bug or something and not anything more serious. Sam seems happy enough though. Her and Nathaniel played the Wii for the most part.. or watched tv. Lol I forgot how much I miss being around my family. I love my home and my little family, but I miss my Mom and everyone in Missouri...

I can't wait to visit them!!

                                                               Mommy and Lilah: day 3

Gown and Gavel [[*Only Mine*]]

To continue my partial rant from the previous post. I am still apprehensive about Nathaniel's mother watching and being around Lilah. Every time I start thinking that maybe I've misjudged her, or misread her, she does something else equally offensive that pisses me off and reaffirms my decision to not allow her to see Lilah unsupervised. And every time she sees Lilah (which so far, has only been a couple of times and she is a few days shy of being a month old), I anticipate that I am one time closer to her asking why I don't bring Lilah by or let her watch her once in a while. And I have slowly been gathering my arguments in preparation for the day that that conversation happens, because I am almost positive that one day, she WILL grow the nerve to ask me rather than everyone else on this damn gossip-ridden hill.

So. Here is my attempt to explain why I have made the decision regarding Ms. Christine and MY babygirl. [Nathaniel is already aware of every arguement I'm going to make, and he is in agreement that there will be supervision by either him or myself when she is around Ms. Christine]

1. You judged me before you even attempted to KNOW me. I made every friendly overture I could think of to try to get to know you when Nathaniel started bringing me around more, and made an even stronger attempt to be friends when we began dating. While judging people before you know them is somewhat acceptable to me [because we make pigeon-hole decisions everyday about strangers we see], the REASON you chose to dislike me is completely UNACCEPTABLE. You think that I do not have a strong relationship with God and that I am living in sin merely for the fact that I am divorced. I accept that everyone is entitled to their opinion, I do NOT accept hypocrisy. YOU are divorced. I do not pretend to know all of the reasons that led to that status, but then again, I don't care. You call me sinful because I am divorced, and you never once asked me why. I am tired of defending myself to everyone on this hill about decisions I made to better myself and my life BEFORE I became involved with Nathaniel. MY CHILD WILL NOT LEARN GUILT AND HYPOCRISY FROM HER GRANDMOTHER.

2. I refuse to play hurtful head games with the people that are around me. I know you do not like me. You never attempted to "get to know me" until Nathaniel told you I was pregnant. Now you want to talk, and try to make amends. You had a year and a half to get to know me. You knew I was here to stay when you found out that we were engaged to get married and had already picked out the tentative date for the wedding. And yet, you didn't find it pertinent to attempt to get to know me, be friends with me, anything. You knew my address, you sent Nathaniel several letters to this address. If you had been serious about making ammends, you could have sent me a "lets try again" letter [my own father and I had to do this after a serious falling out when I was younger]. Yet you did not. So now that I am the mother of your grandchild [and you aren't allowed to see your other two], you want to be friends and accept me. No. Sorry. I am not buying it. MY CHILD WILL NOT LEARN MANIPULATION AND HEAD GAMES FROM HER GRANDMOTHER.

3.I know why Amanda does not allow you to see Lexi and Laci. At first, I believed that everyone was just exaggerating about the way you talked about YOUR OWN DAUGHTER to her children behind Amanda's back. I simply could NOT believe that ANY mother would want her baby girl to be with a cracked-out-wife-and-baby beater. No matter what may have happened, I couldn't see how a parent would wish that on a child. Much less THEIR child and their grand babies. But I have heard you singing Shad's praises with my own ears. And I saw the bruises on Amanda and I know what he used to do to her. You say that Amanda is a horrible mother, "a sinful slut" because she is not with Shad-- the sperm donor to those beautiful girls. You told her CHILDREN that when they were old enough to UNDERSTAND you. Even to this day, you find fault in Amanda for not being with that pathetic excuse for a human being. It took a lot for Amanda to finally remove him from her life and the girls' lives. You should be PROUD of her for finally getting help after so long. Lilah will know I am proud of her everyday and that she can tell me ANYTHING without unfair judgment. I may be a house cat around you, but NO ONE will hurt my child and get away with it. MY CHILD WILL NOT LEARN ACCEPTANCE OF ABUSE FOR FEAR OF GOD'S WRATH FROM HER GRANDMOTHER.

4. You speak highly of God and His praises and how loving He is, yet you know nothing of God's work and love. To you, anyone not living as you are, are living in sin, no matter the circumstances that put them in that situation. You speak of forgiveness, yet you are unable to practice what you preach. You backbite and snip at everyone around you unless they are willing to be put under your thumb. You freely misinterpret His word and use it to further attempt to manipulate those around you through fear of His wrath. I have read the passages on the message board you left for Nathaniel when he was still living with you. You wrote those as an attempt to control your children. I asked several people what the meaning of those passages were [I have never attempted to hide the fact that I am unable to read the Bible and make sense of it] and it was COMPLETELY backwards from how you attempted to use them. I have heard the stories from the other people on this hill, and from the mouths of your own children, about how you use God's word to attempt to instill fear in those you are "trying to help." I am reminded of the passages "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and "judge not lest ye be judged." I realize I am judging you now, but I have given ample time, thought and effort to come to the conclusions I have reached. You judged before you knew who I was. MY CHILD WILL NOT LEARN YOUR LOPSIDED VERSION OF GOD AND HIS LOVE FROM HER GRANDMOTHER.

My childhood was filled with many happy memories. Yes, there are things I wish I could change, but for the most part, I have a lot of cherished memories of being little. Chasing lightning bugs; catching grasshoppers and nightcrawlers with my mom, brother and Grandma; bedtime stories from Aunt Sandy; beauty shoppe with Aunt Cindy. Family nights playing Mario or Duckhunt or watching movies and eating popcorn. Laughter... lots and lots of laughter. No fear, no conspiracy theories, no backbiting, name calling or manipulation. The only happy memories I have heard from the mouths of your children are from when they were old enough to drink and party and get away from your house... I have heard no cherished memories of their childhood that involve you. No stories of playing with make believe creatures or adventures in the garden. No happy memories about family time going wrong... Nothing.  That makes me incredibly sad.

I realize that I come from a very different world than Nathaniel did. I come from a world where the parents are the parents and pay the bills, where God is visited with on a personal basis and church has nothing to do with it, where imagination is welcomed with open arms, where you are accepted no matter who you are or how you came to be there, and where LOVE doesn't come with pricetags or expectations. This is the childhood I want for our daughter. I don't want her to doubt for one minute that we are anything less than proud of her for who she IS, not who she choses to be.

<3 Lilah May Street

The Beginning of the Rest of Our Lives

I figured instead of doing each individual day, I'd culminate them into weeks... This way it will be easier to transfer, and easier to read without switching back and forth between pages, since it's already July and I have a lot of catching up to do lol

June 9, 2011
The day after. Lol we survived the night, even though I didn't exactly sleep much. Between being nervous and feeding Lilah every 2 hours, it didn't leave a lot of room to rest. Nathaniel tossed and turned most of the night, even though I did my best not to wake him up with the lights and noise and stuff. He looked like he got atleast a couple of hours, anyway. I know the hospital beds are uncomfortable as hell :(

Bright and early, Dr Sarfraz came in to check on me and the incision and see how everything was progressing. I asked him if there was anyway we would be discharged that day because Nathaniel had to leave late that night to go back to work for a class and he was our ride home... He looked at my incision (after RIPPING off the support thing-- I seriously considered grabbing him by the balls and twisting when he did that) and pushed around and said that everything looked like it was healing perfectly and that he would talk to the nursery people to see how the baby was doing, but that he had no aversion to letting us leave that night. He gave me prescriptions for pain meds and stool softeners and told me to call his office and set up an appointment for 3 weeks from now to get back on birth control (yay!).

When Nathaniel woke up, he went and got us breakfast... waffles with strawberries and whip cream from Waffle Shoppe (one of my favorite meals lol). The dietitian had already brought the hospital equivalent of breakfast on a covered platter... I remember hospital food from the few times I had visited people over the years and I wasn't about to put it on my stomach since I hadn't had anything in it for over 24 hours. Ech.

Breakfast came and went. Nathaniel left to take the car back to the house and get the truck and take a shower and stuff (the car window was driving him nuts cause the drivers window no longer rolls down. AT ALL.) While he was gone, we had a few visitors come in... Krystal, Mari and the girls, and Monica with Jason Tyler. They all kept saying how much hair she has and how beautiful she is and stuff.. They were still there when Nathaniel got back so we all visited for a little bit. After everyone left, the nurse came in to take my cathater out and help me get up and use the bathroom. They told me I have to be able to walk before I can be discharged. I was a bloody mess down there... they had left me on the pitocin to kep my uterus contracting to help push out the rest of the icky blood and stuff that they couldn't vaccuum out after Lilah was born. That was painful... the walking part. Not only was I weak and shaky, but it hurt to stand straight up. The bathroom was only about 8 feet or so from the bed and by the time I made it to the door, I was standing straight (which the nurse marveled at because she didn't have to help me or catch me at all). And I was able to walk back to the bed on my own and move around the room while she changed the sheets and pads and stuff from where I bled on them a little.

Nathaniel went and was getting lunch when Ms. Marian and his mother decided to pop in for a visit. I was NOT happy that they came by so unannounced (everyone else had had the courtesy to call/text to ask if I was up for visitors.. AND they came in without knocking while I was nursing Lilah). As soon as they sat down, I sent Nathaniel a text telling him to hurry back. I don't remember at what point Nathaniel got back, but by the time they left, I was highly pissed and agitated and in NO mood to deal with them anymore. [I will write another blog about that particular visit]. He apologized, I said it wasn't his fault, but I would rather them not come back until I felt a little better.

We finally got discharged around 7 that night. We dropped off my prescriptions at Walgreens- they said it'd take about 30 minutes to fill them. I asked Nathaniel if he wanted to just wait around in town til they were ready and he said he'd rather get us home and settled and he'd come back and get them for me. I didn't feel good so I told him okay. The ride home was hell.. it felt like every bump was going to rip my midsection in half. And that's alot of ripping considering the roads we live on lol

At home, I walked around a little bit. I was sore, but the only way to keep from getting MORE sore was to start exercising those muscles that were cut open. The incision didn't look bad-- just angry red and puffy. I was told to keep a pad over it for the first week or so to keep my clothes from rubbing against it and irritating it and also so I would be able to tell if it started oozing anything. Nathaniel went back to get my meds and was home around 9. We had originally planned on Lilah sleeping in the bassinet beside the bed so she wouldn't get used to sleeping in the bed with us (I didn't want to have to break her of that habit like Robin did Krystal). However, after the first time I got up to try to get her out of the bassinet to feed her, we realized that that wasn't going to work-- bending over and lifting something up like that was too much for my stomach to handle and it hurt too bad. So into the bed with us she came.

Still didn't get much sleep but I guess that's part of the wonderful journey of motherhood-- sleep deprivation. Still worth it though.. she is perfect. Didn't hardly cry at all, but it was hard to wake her up every couple of hours to feed her since she was still so lethargic from the meds that were in my system during labor. But we managed :)

A Little Piece of Heaven

June 8, 2011

I know I haven't written in a while, either on here or in my actual journal. But I have been keeping track of everything that has happened. So I'm going to catch everything up on here and then put it in my journal. Today is the first day of our family... it got off to a rocky start, but everything ended up okay. Just like a fairytale...

BritneeRae was supposed to pick me up at 6 am so we would have plenty of time to get a good breakfast before I had to check into labor and delivery at 7:30. She was running late, which made me mad. Nathaniel was on his way home from work but still wouldn't make it home until I had already checked in and I didn't want to drive the car and then have to figure out how to get 2 vehicles back from the hospital since I doubted I was going to feel like driving when the discharged me and Lilah. So I ate some fruit loops. She showed up right after I had poured milk on it (at about 640-- which was sooo not enough time to make it to Leesville, go to waffle shoppe or bjs and make it on time to the hospital... and I didn't want fast food)

We made it to the hospital at a little after 7. The Dr and nurse that was supposed to be assigned to me wasn't there yet and wouldn't be until right at 730, so we were sitting in the waiting area of L&D. Nathaniel texted me as soon as we got there and asked if I'd ate anything... when I told him I had some cereal, he was NOT happy since it would be so long before I could eat again (nothing but ice chips until after the baby was born once we checked in). He said he was almost in Leesville and that he'd called in an order to BJs and not to go in until he got there... He showed up a few minutes later with some biscuits and gravy :) See? He does love me lol I ate half of it before I was full and they called me back.

At 730 they called me back to get me hooked up to everything. Nathaniel and BritneeRae stayed in the waiting room... I got my gown on and they hooked me up to the IVs and everything. At 840, everything was rolling along smoothly... Dr Sarfraz was VERY prompt and came in the minute they got me situated and broke my water. That was the most uncomfortable feeling I think I have ever felt. First it felt like he was popping a balloon inside of me when he inserted the crochet needle looking thing... then it felt like I was peeing my pants when the amniotic fluid started flowing...and everytime I coughed or moved, more would come out. Then they pushed lightly on my belly to squish more out... ew. Lol and I wasn't allowed to get out of the bed once they broke my water so I had to sit with wet pads under me and more stuff coming out :/ Not cool at all.

Finally they got the pitocin started (at a 6 initially since the Dr was already there.. and they upped it everytime they checked on me, usually 2 or 3 notches every 15-20 minutes) and Nathaniel and BRae were allowed to come in. I explained the moniters and stuff to Nathaniel so he would know what he was looking at and then the waiting started. At 1030, I had dialated from a 1 (when they broke my water) to a 2-3. .By 11, I was starting to feel little contractions.. Nathaniel was still with me, but BRae had left to go check on JJ who was with the babysitter... Monica popped in to say hi.. her and Jason Tyler lol. BRae had texted them to tell them we were at the hospital, but forgot to tell them that we had just gotten there and were getting induced lol The nurse came in and told me that I was dialated to a 3 and that any time I wanted, I could get the epidural, but that I would have to take a bag of saline before I could get it to make sure I was well hydrated and so it wouldn't make me sick. I told her I was fine for a little longer (I didn't want to get it too early and even though I was FEELING the contractions, they weren't really hurting just yet).

Cheah. At 1130, I was really starting to feel them. The nurse came back around 1145 and checked me and I asked her to go ahead and start the IV... by noon, I was gripping the bedrails because I was hurting so damn bad. How Robin went thru them almost all the way without pain medicine, I have NOOOO idea. It took almost an hour to get the entire bag of IV fluids down. Then another half hour for the anesthesialogist person to make it up to start the epidural...

At about 115, the lady got there to give me the epidural. I was hurting so bad with the contractions that I was trying so hard not to cry in front of Nathaniel. My hands hurt from gripping the bed rails thru them and everytime I would get quiet, Nathaniel was by the bed rubbing my back and asking if there was anything he could do and saying he was sorry... I laughed and told him it took two... I was dialated to a 4 now, which was considered "active" labor and the contractions seemed to be every 3-4 minutes. Just long enough to catch my breath but not long enough to get my body to relax before the next one would hit. When she came in to do the epidural, they made Nathaniel leave. At first, I was scared because that left me alone with a lot of strangers (all female, thank god), in pain, and not knowing what was going on. They needed me to sit up straight with my legs off the edge of the bed. I was hurting so bad now that I was really crying and I wanted to scream but I knew that would make it hurt worse and they needed me to hold still. It took everything I had to keep my back straight and bowed out (hunched shoulders) so she could run the line and stuff.. at first, she did it wrong and I told her that I could feel whatever she was doing all the way down into the back of my left leg... so she had to pull out and start again. The second time, she got it right. (By this time, I was positive that I was breaking the hands of the nurse that told me I could squeeze her hands if it would help me stay still for the few minutes it took her to do the procedure, but she told me it was okay) Then they ran lots of surgical tape in a big star pattern over my back to keep the line in. About 5 minutes after they got the thing started, the contractions were so wonderfully muted... still there, but manageable considering how they had been.

Nathaniel came back in the room once I got calmed down and they got the catheter inserted and cleaned me up. At 150, they checked to see if she had dropped yet (since she had yet to drop at all and I was already dialated to a 4). The nurse assigned to me checked and couldn't tell so she went and got the senior nurse and she said that she was going to get the dr because she hadn't dropped at all. Sarfraz came and checked and said that she was face up and was caught on my pelvic bone.. so they were going to put me on my left side to see if maybe she would get unhung enough to drop to the birth canal and check me every 30 minutes to see if anything had changed. He said he was going to give it til 330 and if nothing had changed, they were gonna do a c-section (oh.. yeehaw)

Her little heartrate kept dipping off and on thru the contractions so they put me on oxygen for about half the time I was in labor. They told me it was completely normal but that it was safer to keep me with an oxygen mask than it would have been to let her heartrate keep going so low. At 330, there was still no change.. And they forgot to tell me that the damn epidural was positional (which means whatever side you lay on, you will have NO feeling in at all so my left side was completely non-existent to me since I'd been on it for an hour and a half). Sarfraz and them came to get me to take me to surgery and replaced the epidural with a spinal block, so I couldn't feel anything from the bottom of my ribs, down. After not feeling my legs or anything for 2 hours and then REALLY not feeling them, it kind of freaked me out.  And they told Nathaniel that they would bring him down in a minute, but that he had to put on a gown and stuff...

Surgery room. Really REALLY not cool...They put me on the surgery table and then proceded to strap my arms down completely splayed out straight like i was trying to fly. Then they put something heavy feeling and warm over my legs... I have no idea what was going on "down there" because they had put a curtain up over my chest and I couldn't see. Everything was kind of fuzzy then (combination of painmeds and fear, I assume). I remember fighting the restraints on my arms (you'd think they would have asked about claustrophobia beforehand!).  I remember Nathaniel coming in and I thought he told me to calm down... I managed to stay still while I felt them tugging and pulling even though I hated being restrained...

Finally after what felt like forever, everyone got quiet and I heard her cry. I wanted to hold her but I couldn't because I was still strapped down. They moved her to the side to clean her up and Nathaniel went over with her and they started stitching me up. I know the nurse was talking to me, but I can't remember what he was saying.. probably meaningless reassurances, I'm sure. I remember Nathaniel leaving with the baby and I remember fighting the restraints and trying to kick the weight off my legs....

The next thing I remember was waking up in a dim room with a nurse checking my pulse. To keep me from hurting myself while they were closing my incision, they gave me something to knock me out. When I looked at the clock, it was 7 pm. The nurse told me that Lilah was born at 5:01 pm, 6 lb 13.6 oz and 19 inches long. She said that Nathaniel was with her at the nursery. She finished checking my vitals and unhooked everything and started to take me to a recovery room.. I remember feeling very very bruised, but other than that, just kind of fuzzy around the edges. They got me to a room and put something on my legs that felt like a blood pressure cuff and would periodically inflate and deflate. I asked them what it was and they said it was to keep my blood flowing properly thru my legs to keep blood clots from forming since I wouldn't be allowed to get up until the next day and would probably be unable to move them much between now and then.

After they got me situated in the bed and hooked back up to yet MORE IV's, and got the pain medication going and explained everything to me, they went and got Lilah and Nathaniel. I was still kind of out of it but I remember her being the most beautiful little thing.. Kind of puffy but with a head FULL of hair. It was amazing finally meeting the little creature that had been using my insides as a soccer field and causing so much pain because she didn't like what I'd eaten.... I was in love :) And Nathaniel was there, right beside me.

[He told me later that the nurses were probably glad for him to be in the room with me instead of still in the nursery/waiting area... that he kept getting short with them when they didn't bring me up for so long. I guess he was worried and thought they were keeping something from him; that something had gone wrong, maybe]

I wanted some time to collect my thoughts, maybe start feeling normal a little bit.. time to spend with Nathaniel and this new little person we were suddenly going to be taking home.. but everyone decided to come say hello and meet her at the same time. It was a pretty good sized circus for about 2 hours after I got taken to recovery. Josh, Kelsey, Amanda, Lexi, Laci, BRae and Nathaniel's mother were all there... By the time everyone left, I was tired of being around people.

Once everyone left, Nathaniel pretty much collapsed.. poor baby. He'd worked all night, driven 4.5 hours to the hospital and been awake all day.. I know he was exhausted. He passed out on the other bed in the room. Then the nursery lady came in and showed me how to breast feed. It was hard at first.. Lilah was so sleepy from the epidural and spinal block medication that she didn't want to wake up to nurse. But we finally got it. I fed her every 2 hours, even though I felt bad waking her up if she was anywhere near as tired as I was (it's been a stressful day for her too!!!)

I didn't sleep much that night. I called Dad, Donna, Clay and Mom and told them everything was fine and sent pictures to people that could get mms texts and posted some of them on facebook so everyone else could meet her.

Overall, it was a pretty long day. Long... but totally worth it <3

Boys Night

I'm going to write this here because I haven't gotten my journal  updated enough yet to just write it there... Nathaniel and Rick had a boys night last night.... Nathaniel has really been good to me and it was the only way i could think of to be able to repay him. So I told him to get Rick and go golfing yesterday while I was at work. Lol he even texted me while he was golfing (which is apparently something he NEVER does since golf is his little area of relaxation). Then they cleaned air filters on the trucks and just hung out.

I got home around 430 or so from work and started on supper.. Meatloaf with potatos, corn and rolls. It started out with me, Nathaniel and Rick. Then Jason and BRae showed up so we had a "family" dinner (no leftovers, YAY!!!)  Everyone enjoyed it and they were all drinking. Monica and Jason showed up a little later when we were all out around the bonfire. I really had fun. Me and Monica were both sober since we're pregnant. No one even got completely wasted, just buzzed. Which is okay with me. But it was great... I don't think i stopped laughing most of the night. I loved it. That's the stuff I want to remember.

Around 10 or so, everyone decided to go check out some party in CottonWood... they had a "band" playing that Monica and them wanted to see. I went because Nathaniel wanted to go and I didn't want him to drive. I didn't mind. (We had a big fight about the drinking/driving stuff not too long ago, and he hasn't done it since.)  So we get there... The "Band" is one guy with a guitar and a not-quite off-key voice. He was butchering Last Dance with Mary Jane by Tom Petty when we pulled up. It was a bunch of much older people drinking.. there were a few younger people, but no one I knew.

***Okay, my boobs have gone from nice, full B's to humongous DD's since I've been pregnant. I know that they are there and I'm told constantly how wonderful they are. Nathaniel, BRae and Monica were all commenting on them last night because I was wearing a tank top... I was covered, but with DD's glued to your chest, there is no HIDING them. And to top that off, my bra is a size too small so they produce alot of cleavage. Most people are just polite enough to atleast attempt to keep their eyes up. But i've gotten used to the glances from most people, and it doesn't make me as uncomfortable as it did in the beginning***

We ran into a couple of people from church. Old Mr. Dan was one of them.  Usually he doesn't make me uncomfortable. He shook Nathaniel's hand and asked how it was going, which is normal. He'd been drinking, and the lady he was dancing with was not his wife... That didn't bother me. What bothered me was that i gave him a hug (I always hug Mr. Dan. Ever since I joined that church, he's always asked for a hug.) then he got about 4 inches from my boobs and kept asking how everything was going. Repeatedly. For about 5 minutes. It's been a long time since i've felt so utterly disgusted. If I was in public, or working, I could have laughed it off as "that old pervert" and shook it off. But this is a man that I go to church with. And Nathaniel didn't seem to notice what had happened. I know I'm probably blowing it out of proportion and most of it is backlash from Dustin and the old uncomfortable feeling of older men, but part of it is just me. I just got kind of quiet and stayed by myself the rest of the night.

I don't even want to go to church this morning because of it. I won't be comfortable until I can forget how he made me feel last night. I know Mr. Dan was drunk, but that doesn't make how he made me feel any better. I had finally gotten to where I almost liked my body and was comfortable with the weight that I've *had* to gain due to pregnancy, and I feel like that all got stripped from me last night. In just a few stupid, inconsiderate, drunken moments. I still don't know why older men have always made me so skittish and scared feeling. I just know that they DO. I usually enjoy church. But I don't even want to go today. And I can't tell Nathaniel why because I can't explain why i feel how i do...

Oh well.
Shit happens I guess.
Guess I have to make the best of it anyway.

I read your Diary (3 lives)

I saw a book wit lock and key right next to your name
I couldn't help myself cause things just ain't been the same.
Can you please tell me cause this shit is so insane
My heart is bleeding; Papercuts from reading....

 Old entries on pages stained from coffee and sodas... tear streaked words jumbled into a senseless mess that barely indicates the passage of one day to the next... Reading these old books, seeing my hand writing scrawled in uneven lines on unhappy pages. In my head, I know that at some point, I must have written this diary.. but today, its just a note from another life.. a letter to me.

Dear Me.

Don't ever be afraid to stand up for what you think is right. Some people are always going to argue with you, or sit on their high horse and look down on you. Sometimes the person doing it is going to be the last person you ever expected to hurt you. And when that happens, stand your ground, even if it means getting a little dirty. The person pushing you is probably just as unhappy and confused as you are and might not know how to help them self.

Don't let someone else paint you any colors other than what you know you are. You are not a horrible person. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. That is part of living life. If you hadn't made that particular mistake, maybe he never would have realized what he was getting ready to let go of.  And you would have spent the rest of your life wondering what you could have done differently to put things how they are now. No one ever goes back to MAKE a mistake to fix things. So why change the ones that turned out okay?

Never let someone else hold your happiness over your head. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. You know in your heart what you want.. and if it isn't where you are at the moment, maybe it's time to leave. Don't be scared to start over. Starting over just means you're going to get a new adventure. And believe me, you're going to be just fine... you've touched more people's lives than you think and they're going to be there to help you the whole way through.

Don't be scared to love again. You're going to fall fast and hard much sooner than you expected or wanted to. You're going to be angry that you want him. And you're going to be crushed when he disappears for a while... and you'll think there's something wrong with you that you don't see. But don't worry. You both need time to grow up and open up. Trust in God... He really does know what he's doing.. He just wants to make sure you're both strong enough.

And lastly, don't ever be afraid to speak up... Stop holding things in and learn to trust in your love... When you meet him, you're going to realize it. Don't be afraid he's going to leave just because things get hard. Up until now, no one was strong enough for you. Believe me. They would have shattered at the first strong wind... Everything happens for a reason and if you take out one link, you might never have gotten where you will come to stand. Trust that he is strong enough, gentle enough, and smart enough. You'll get through. It just takes trust.

Love, You

Over 200 pages. Three separate books. Three distinct lives. Most people stopped putting much thought into written words, opting instead for simple words on a screen to portray lifetimes lived and years spanned. Looking back over the uneven words and broken pictures, its hard not to smile at where I've come to stand. I've grown from a girl scared to make a move on her own, switching back and forth between states and families, unsure of what to do or where to go into a woman with a baby on the way and a husband that understands her and is there even when he doesn't know what to say. 

Old mistakes still hurt- much like a badly broken bone that has healed yet aches when rain comes. It's hard to forgive somethings when you're more ashamed that they happened to begin with, but that is why we write... to contain those memories between pages where they can't float free. They are meant to be a lesson learned, not a lifetime wasted with regret. So that is where I'll leave them-- on a shelf to collect dust and cobwebs, to fade with time...

It's time now to start a New Chapter..