I read your Diary (3 lives)

I saw a book wit lock and key right next to your name
I couldn't help myself cause things just ain't been the same.
Can you please tell me cause this shit is so insane
My heart is bleeding; Papercuts from reading....

 Old entries on pages stained from coffee and sodas... tear streaked words jumbled into a senseless mess that barely indicates the passage of one day to the next... Reading these old books, seeing my hand writing scrawled in uneven lines on unhappy pages. In my head, I know that at some point, I must have written this diary.. but today, its just a note from another life.. a letter to me.

Dear Me.

Don't ever be afraid to stand up for what you think is right. Some people are always going to argue with you, or sit on their high horse and look down on you. Sometimes the person doing it is going to be the last person you ever expected to hurt you. And when that happens, stand your ground, even if it means getting a little dirty. The person pushing you is probably just as unhappy and confused as you are and might not know how to help them self.

Don't let someone else paint you any colors other than what you know you are. You are not a horrible person. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. That is part of living life. If you hadn't made that particular mistake, maybe he never would have realized what he was getting ready to let go of.  And you would have spent the rest of your life wondering what you could have done differently to put things how they are now. No one ever goes back to MAKE a mistake to fix things. So why change the ones that turned out okay?

Never let someone else hold your happiness over your head. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. You know in your heart what you want.. and if it isn't where you are at the moment, maybe it's time to leave. Don't be scared to start over. Starting over just means you're going to get a new adventure. And believe me, you're going to be just fine... you've touched more people's lives than you think and they're going to be there to help you the whole way through.

Don't be scared to love again. You're going to fall fast and hard much sooner than you expected or wanted to. You're going to be angry that you want him. And you're going to be crushed when he disappears for a while... and you'll think there's something wrong with you that you don't see. But don't worry. You both need time to grow up and open up. Trust in God... He really does know what he's doing.. He just wants to make sure you're both strong enough.

And lastly, don't ever be afraid to speak up... Stop holding things in and learn to trust in your love... When you meet him, you're going to realize it. Don't be afraid he's going to leave just because things get hard. Up until now, no one was strong enough for you. Believe me. They would have shattered at the first strong wind... Everything happens for a reason and if you take out one link, you might never have gotten where you will come to stand. Trust that he is strong enough, gentle enough, and smart enough. You'll get through. It just takes trust.

Love, You

Over 200 pages. Three separate books. Three distinct lives. Most people stopped putting much thought into written words, opting instead for simple words on a screen to portray lifetimes lived and years spanned. Looking back over the uneven words and broken pictures, its hard not to smile at where I've come to stand. I've grown from a girl scared to make a move on her own, switching back and forth between states and families, unsure of what to do or where to go into a woman with a baby on the way and a husband that understands her and is there even when he doesn't know what to say. 

Old mistakes still hurt- much like a badly broken bone that has healed yet aches when rain comes. It's hard to forgive somethings when you're more ashamed that they happened to begin with, but that is why we write... to contain those memories between pages where they can't float free. They are meant to be a lesson learned, not a lifetime wasted with regret. So that is where I'll leave them-- on a shelf to collect dust and cobwebs, to fade with time...

It's time now to start a New Chapter..