Reflections.

She makes his coffee, she makes his bed 

She does the laundry, she keeps him fed  

When she was twenty-one she wore her mother's lace  

She said "forever" with a smile upon her face

Lord, I remember dancing around to this song in barefeet when I was little. Dancing around thinking how hopeful the girl in the song was. How happy she must be to be married and loved and be starting a family. I wanted that. Never thought I'd live most of it. I got married at 21. Stupidly, and thoughtlessly. But I thought I was in love. Even though I wasn't always happy and it was constant work and we had nothing in common, I still thought it was love because we both said it. 

She packs his suitcase, she sits and waits
With no expression upon her face
When she was thirty-six she met him at their door
She said I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore

I wasn't 36 when I left him, but our relationship lasted a little over 36 months from start to finish. Which I find ironic. And I was the one that left because I wasn't happy and knew that I never would be with him. I was honest and was tired of trying to beat a dead horse to get up and run. I was dead inside when I left him and never thought I would feel that sort of love again. And I was right. I never have, to this day.

I have something better. I have REAL love. What I felt back then... that wasn't real love.. It's hard to describe, really. I thought it was love... But I never thought about him unless he was around or I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing (friends he didn't approve of and such) and was wondering if he was going to find out. I never thought of him other than that... at all. Never wondered what he was doing, or missed him when he was gone. I knew I never wanted a family with him... Yet, I convinced myself that I was in love.

What I feel now.. There are no words to describe it. I think about him constantly (even after knowing him 5 years and being with him for almost 3)... and in the good way. I look forward to him being home and being around him. I love listening to him talk, even when I don't have a CLUE what he's saying. I love that we have a beautiful, happy little girl together.. I even want more babies :) I love being able to ask him for something without hearing "we don't need it" or "but I want this"... I love that we compromise and agree on most things. I can't describe the love I have now, but it so far surpasses what I thought I had back then that there is no comparison. 

Show a little passion, baby, show a little style
And show the knack for knowing when and the gift for knowing how
And have a little trust in us when fear obscures the path
You know we got this far, darling, not by luck, but by never turning back
Some will call on destiny, but I just call on faith
That the world won't stop, and actions speak louder
Listen to your heart, to what your heart might say
Everything we got, we got the hard way

All that You Are.

And I feel

The faint morning light

Filled with hope cause you're here in my Life

Well, Aunt Lee is going to remain in the hospital for a while longer. She wouldn't listen to the nurses at Tri Parish and fell. She broke her hip and will be at Rapides for atleast another 9 days. Minimum. And I am worried, but I can't bring myself to care anymore. I mean, I do care, but it is not consuming me anymore. I am finally getting the distance from her that Josh and Amanda have enjoyed for so long. I still call her most every day, but I don't go see her (because she is over an hour away at the moment)... And I don't feel compelled to go, either. I am enjoying just taking care of my family right now and leaving her to her own devices and the hospital staff. 

Since Lilah was born, I knew things would be different and at times, I would want to give up and quit. I knew there would be times when I would just want Nathaniel to leave me alone and go away. When I would just want to run away back to my little trailer with no heat or air, where I had to work open to close shifts most days of the week to make ends meet. When I would miss the nights spent in drunken stupor for a decent amount of sleep. I knew there would be days where I missed just taking care of myself without anyone else there, without anyone expecting anything of me, without worrying about someone depending on me. 

Surprisingly, those days have been far and few between until everything with Aunt Lee. I know she can't help it, but I'm angry because she doesn't seem to want to help herself. I wanted my little family. I didn't want to take care of an elderly lady who is unable to care for herself. I wanted Nathaniel and Lilah. Some days, I resent that I am forced to deal with Aunt Lee. I honestly do. And it's hard trying to cover the resentment in my voice or the disgust in my face when we walk into her house. We manage because I really do love her, but I wish she would see the toll she is taking on everyone around her. I want her to realize she needs more help than we can give and that she needs to be in senior apartments or in a nursing home. I wish and wish and wish that she realizes this. Part of me thinks she is being selfish by expecting this kind of care from us and then part of me realizes that I am being selfish for wanting her to move away, even if it is for her own health. 

I know things will get better once she passes. It's just all the complications and health risks and issues up until that point that is draining us. I don't want her to die. Truly, I don't. Yet.... I look forward to the time that will be just our little family here... To a time where we can just walk when we want and don't have to worry about roaches or other people's animals or health issues. No extra "honey-do's" or "I need this" or "bring me this, please." I feel I'm probably going to hell for thinking of that happier time, but I can't help it. Not with everything that has been going on the last few months and especially not with the extra care she is going to require once she finally gets to come home. A hip replacement at 66? And already in failing health with a defibrilator and blood pressure so low in the mornings that it doesn't even register? That's more than I can handle WITHOUT the surgery complications and healing time. 

*sigh* I still haven't gotten anything planned with the wedding. I have no dress. Haven't even been out to look at the church. No decorations, nothing. It's getting stressful. I'm about to the point of calling the wedding off and eloping. Just doing something simple and plain. I feel like I'm starting from scratch and I only have 2 months to get everything in order. That's not enough time. Atleast, it doesn't feel like enough time. 

God, please help us. Give us a sign or something. Let us know what to do. 

Please?

Savior.

She got down on hands and knees, one ear against the ground,
Holding her breath to hear something, 

anything at all

The dirt whispered, "Child, I'm coming home."

Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone. I know this. Anyone that has ever lost something or someone near to them knows this. Unfortunately, some people refuse to grow up and take advantage of every minute of life that they can. Instead, they live in their own lives where they are the most important beings and they never stop to think about someone else. 

After reading my previous entry, I realize that I am not at fault with how I feel. I AM angry. And I AM hurt about how Josh and Kelsey are acting. Like the world revolves around them... The people I knew at one time have disappeared. The girl with the beautiful smile that would go completely out of her way to make someone's day. And the boy with the beautiful music who put his friends and his family above himself and always made time in his life for them. Those are still the people that I love with all my heart. I don't know these people that claim to be them now. And neither does the rest of their family.

That's when she said I don't hate you boy 

I just want to save you 

while there's still something left to save

Aunt Lee is doing much better. She has only seen Josh for 15 minutes in the 5 days she has resided in Alexandria. And that was only because she NEEDED some hygienic items that I was not able to take to her. I asked her if Kelsey came and she said no, Josh said she was working in the garden. And I got angry again. She told me she would be heartbroken if something happened to Aunt Lee. Yet, when the time comes around so she can prove that Aunt Lee is more than a grain of salt to her, she fails miserably. Ten minutes. That's all Aunt Lee wants. Just enough time to say "hey, I love you, talk to ya later." It makes me sad that they are so selfish that they can't see how just a few minutes here and there would matter to an old, lonely woman with no real family.

I asked Aunt Lee if I was a horrible person for not being able to forgive them for their selfishness. She said she wishes I wouldn't be like that and hold a grudge, but that I do have a right to be mad about their actions. She then went on to say that I am a wonderful person and that she isn't sure her and Nathaniel deserve me and that she isn't sure what they have done for them to deserve me, but she is grateful that I am in their lives.  That made me feel much better because up until that point, I felt like I was being a horrid, selfish person unable to forgive the faults in others.  

Sometimes I wish I could be like them... And I think that's part of what makes me so angry. I hate always being the compassionate one. I hate always being the decent human being. The dependable one. The one who always forgives and forgets in order to create a happy atmosphere. Josh told me once that people would always be able to take me for granted and walk all over me because I was too good of a person to turn them away when they were hurt or down. I would always be there for someone no matter how bad they had hurt me or how much they had wronged me. It saddens me that he's right. I may hate it, but I can't be the kind of person that says "sorry, I'm too busy" when someone calls me needing a shoulder. Not if it's for a person that has had any sort of impact on my life. I just can't. That's not who I am. 

I wish I could use the excuse "I'm trying to plan a wedding" when Aunt Lee needs random things 50 million times a day. I wish I could say "Oh, Nathaniel makes plenty of money and these $60 jeans just fit me so well!!!" and buy them without having to think of bills or the baby or the millions of little things that need fixed at home.  I wish I could say "I have a busy life, I'm sorry I can never find time to call" and have the ability for that to rest easy on my conscious when a lonely old woman thinks everyone has forgotten her. Damn I WISH I could be that kind of person. Because you know what? If I was that kind of person, I'd probably be a lot happier and more carefree. I'd probably be the kind of person ashamed to face God when my time came. 

I do not lead a perfect life. Jezzus, I am SOOOO far from perfect. I never claim to be without my own downfalls. I'm selfish in my own way. I hold grudges. I judge people just like everyone else. I don't go out of my way to help people when I don't see them making a conscious effort to help themselves. I don't attend church regularly. I don't believe in "mission trips" to exotic countries with their own established religions to promote "my God." I get angry and say things without thinking. I get jealous. I drink occasionally. I break laws just like everyone else. And I ask forgiveness for all of those personal flaws on a daily basis, even when I know that I'm liable to make the same mistakes a million times over in my lifetime. 

However. I try to be a compassionate, decent, thoughtful human being.  

I HATE talking on the phone with a passion. I have always hated it. It's always staticky to me no matter how good the connection is. It's so hard for me to hear clearly that I end up feeling like a retard by asking people to repeat themselves 50 million times. I talk to my Mother and my Brother and that is IT because they know how hard it is for me to talk on the phone. But everyday, I call Aunt Lee when she is in the hospital to make sure she is okay and ask if she needs anything. I ask how she's feeling. I ask how her stay is going. I tell her silly little things like Lilah getting puffs stuck on her nose. Or her dog starting to run again. I don't even have to talk long.. .Just long enough for her to know that someone is thinking of her and that she's loved. Sometimes the calls are less than 3 minutes. But the point is that I call because it makes her feel good and gives her something to look forward to everyday. Even though I REALLY hate talking on the phone.

I can't stand Aunt Lee's house. Absolutely cannot stand it. It's smokey and stinks of feces and urine and rotten food. There are roaches everywhere. The carpets are nasty to the point the I will not walk in her house barefoot. Ever. And I don't really like Lilah being over there around all of the filth. But Lilah gives her a reason to get up in the mornings. Looking forward to her laughing and smiling and just being her normal, sweet, funny little self. So we go see her atleast every other day when she is home. Even though her house literally makes me nauseous, we still visit because it brightens Aunt Lee's day.

I know people think I have all the time in the world to sit on the phone and visit an old lady and do whatever it is that I want to do because I am a stay at home mother. But the truth is, I have 3 full time jobs that I do not get paid for. I don't get "days off" or requests to be gone that day: 

• I am a full time mother-- I do not have babysitters to watch Lilah. I don't let her sit in front of the tv   24/7 to keep her entertained. I am a single parent 2 weeks out of the month which also means I pull double duty
• I am a full time caregiver-- I do errands for Aunt Lee no matter what time of day it is. I drop off and fetch prescriptions even if it's out of my way. I bring her things she calls and needs when she is away from home. I check on her when she IS home. I make sure she eats and follows dr's orders. I call for help when she falls, I clean up when she makes a mess and asks me to. 
• I am a full time wife-- I cook everyday, clean dishes, keep track of budgets and bills, do laundry, take trash out, mop, change diapers, weed the garden, plant the garden, help with up keep on the pool whether I get to use it or not, I weed-eat.

 So I understand "busy" but there is no such thing as being too busy to make time for family. It doesn't take gas money to call. These days, it doesn't even COST anything to call with the way cell phones work.

I love my jobs, even when it gets overwhelming. Somedays I want to say "I quit" or "This is too hard" but I don't. The smile on my daughter's face when we play pattycake or walk thru the yard for our exercises makes my heart soar. Aunt Lee telling me that she appreciates all I do for her and that I am a wonderful person for caring about an old lady that isn't even my blood makes me glad to be able to help. And the knowledge that I have an amazing, caring, thoughtful husband right beside me (even if it's only every 2 weeks) takes the weight off my shoulders when he's home.

So yea. I can hold a grudge. But when it comes down to it and God asks me if I think I have done all I can in my life to live by His ideals, I can honestly say:

"Nope. Not even close. I have my faults and I have things I wish I could have changed. I wish I could be a little less angry and a little more forgiving. But I have been as good a mother as I could be. I have been as good a wife as I knew how to be. I have been a faithful, loving friend even when I was angry. I went out of my way to make someone else's day, everyday. And I am proud of that, if nothing else."

Empty My Hands

I've got voices in my head and they are so strong  

And I'm getting sick of this, oh Lord, how long  

Will I be haunted by the fear that I believe  

My hands like locks on cages  

Of these dreams I can't set free

It's been so long since I've had these feelings that I almost don't know what to do with them anymore. I remember a really bad time in my life when this used to be commonplace... The anger, the rage, the remorse and the tears. The insomnia. The lethargy. The hopelessness. I would keep myself busy with work and working out. I would drink to sleep. I would take pills after a few drinks to make sure I got a night's worth of sleep. And most of the time, I would pray. Pray to just not wake up. It was too much. All of it.

I'm seeing red more often again these days. I get so angry at the silliest things and I can't seem to control it. I've been running everyday this week for my aunt. Technically, she's Nathaniel's aunt, but she seems to have taken a liking to me so it's easier to call her my aunt as well. Everyday. During all the running, I haven't even been able to make it to the gym once this week. Wednesday was supposed to be my "day off". I wasn't going anywhere, no matter what. I wanted a day to catch up on my housework and play with my daughter without some interruption. Then the phone rang. It was the hospital: they found a clot in Aunt Lee's leg and needed me to bring her her stuff from rehab up to the hospital. I was so angry that I wanted to strangle her. If I could have gotten away with it, I think I would have beat her within an inch of her life And I would have been indifferent.

The anger doesn't make sense anymore. To get so angry like that for no reason. I remember when that used to be normal.. to get angry and stay that way for days. To keep everything bottled in. But it's so unfamiliar to me now that I can't remember how to channel it. So I lash out at everyone around me. I rag on Nathaniel about drinking and having fun with his friends because I'm tired of being left out. I condemn Josh and Kelsey for not ever making time for Aunt Lee because I want to be the one who gets to run away from someone else's family. And I resent Aunt Lee because this is supposed to be my happy time... I just got a wonderful baby and I'm getting married in two months but instead of getting to plan wedding stuff, I'm taking care of a stubborn, irritating old woman who is so set in her ways that she doesn't realize she is killing herself.

I don't get it. I'm not supposed to get postpartum when my daughter is over 9 months old.... That is something that happens in the beginning when the baby is new and all the stresses of being a parent become tangible. It's not supposed to happen when your daughter is smiling and laughing and learning to walk and talk. It just doesn't make sense to me. But everything I'm feeling, everything I've written down and then looked at later, points to postpartum. Which isn't really even a long stretch considering I already deal with "normal" depression and anxiety. I just don't want to believe it.

Some days are bad. I love Lilah and would never do anything to hurt her. But on the bad days, I find myself pushing her away and not talking to her for hours at a time other than to feed her and tell her to take a bite. She crawls after me when I'm walking around the house like a bird in a cage and cries when I won't talk to her, but I do it anyway. And I get angry for her not leaving me alone. I feel horrible and usually cry about it when she's down for her nap or bedtime where she can't see me. And I try to make it up to her when I'm feeling more like "me" but I don't want to be that kind of parent. The kind that continually does the wrong things and is forever apologizing for it. I had a parent like that and I always swore I would not do that to my babies, if I ever had them.

Other days are good. Almost normal. We get up and get breakfast and play patty-cake and peek-a-boo. We play fetch with Peanut; we watch our cartoons and walk around the yard. We laugh and dance. Those are the days that I enjoy. I workout when she goes down for a normal 2 hour nap. I get my housework done when she goes to bed on time. Then I have time to read or watch tv or just take a long hot shower. Those are the days that I try to focus on. But more and more in the last month, the bad days are starting to outnumber the good days. Especially when Nathaniel is at work for 2 weeks at a time now. Before, with only one week on our own, there didn't seem to be enough time for me to get to that point. But now, it's even worse than before.

I don't want to talk to anyone about PPD. I know what all the bible thumpers down here say. I don't want them trying to take my child or saying I'm "unfit". That's the part that scares me. I want to get back on anti-anxiety or anti-depressants. Even if it's just for a little while until I get to a point where I don't constantly feel so overwhelmed all the time. But I don't want to give anyone a reason to try to take my baby away... I've read horror stories about them removing children that are "in danger" and that scares the hell out of me.

So I guess I'll just continue to try to cope. I'm sorry to everyone I've snapped at lately. I'm trying to keep it under wraps, but these days, it is almost impossible... I'm letting everything go right here:

Aunt Lee's house is disgusting. I spent 3 weeks in October deep cleaning her house because she had a roach and black widow infestation (we had roaches migrating to our side because of sheer numbers). She had rotten food on her counter; her entire fridge was liquified and decomposing. The stuff she had been cooking with ALL said "refrigerate after opening" and she had clearly still been cooking with it. 3 of the 4 rooms in the house were covered in feces and urine (human AND animal). It took me 3 weeks to clean her house. Not to mention the amount of money on pesticides and chemicals I had to use. I texted Josh and Amanda to tell them what I was doing and ask for help since it was such a HUGE job and it was their Aunt-- even if it was to watch Lilah while I cleaned because I really didn't want her to be around all of the filth. She wasn't even 6 months old and the house was toxic. But No One came. Not in the 3 weeks it took to clean everything. Not a single person helped me and Nathaniel get her house back up to semi-livable conditions. I understand being busy. But not one day out of those 3 weeks. Not even for a few hours in those 3 weeks. That upset me. And I believe that this was the trigger for all of the pent up anger I have towards everyone.

Aunt Lee is not my Aunt. My family is 12 hours away. That is for a 1 way trip. 12 hours. But I make it up to see them 2-3 times a year. I understand everyone is busy. I do. But if you can't drive out here to see her, atleast for God's sake, call her once a month. I don't care if you ever see Lilah because of the drive. She has plenty of years left and time to get to know everyone. Aunt Lee is dying and no one even calls her to chat. It hurts her more than you think. 

So here are my apologies. Mostly, it's just to two people who really do mean a lot to me. I have been called an inconsiderate bitch. I've been called an emotional wreck. I've probably been called a lot more than I will ever know. But I try to be honest and I try to understand. But I guess some things are always going to be black and white to me....


Josh and Kelsey. Yes, I get mad because you guys never make it out here. I can say I understand until I'm blue in the face, but the truth is that I don't. I don't understand how you can love someone but never make an effort to see them when they are dying. Maybe some of that stems from the resentment I have towards my Great Uncles when Grandma was literally on her deathbed and they refused to make the 1 hour drive to say their goodbyes while she was alive. I will never forget the sadness and hurt on Grandma's face when the people she loved the most were too busy with their lives to say goodbye to someone they claimed they loved. She was suffering and in pain for 6 months and the doctors had only given her a couple of more months to live. But in all that time, they couldn't manage to take a break to say anything to her. And they never called.
So no, I guess I don't understand. I'm sorry for being angry at you for having busy lives and living so far away but I don't want to see that same hurt on Aunt Lee's face. Because the truth is that you guys will never see it. I will be the one here seeing it when she finally dies. But I truly am sorry for being angry. It is misplaced.

Aunt Lee. Damn I hate you sometimes. Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I had just told Nathaniel no when he asked me to marry him. God knows I wouldn't be trying to plan a wedding and thinking about a funeral at the same time. You are a stubborn, selfish old bat who refuses to listen to reason. Yea, yea, you can call me a bitch all you want. But the truth is, I have tried everything I could to help get you better and you refuse to give me any help. You won't even try to keep your house up. You won't ask for help when you know you need it. I have to strong arm you to go to the hospital when your doctor told you "the VERY NEXT TIME, go immediately to the ER"  You hoard things that attract roaches... you won't let us get rid of anything you have packed up that you haven't seen in the last 20 years because you want to keep them as mementos. You won't eat what your dr has told you to eat to get better. You won't listen to anyone. Some days I think you really are pulling the same card my Grandpa just pulled. That you've given up and you're just trying to die.  If you are, please let me know because I have never been good with dying. It bothers me because I can't seem to cry at the right moments. I'd rather pull away now while you're still somewhat coherent that have to remember what is going to come next. 


And myself. I offer no apologies because I have behaved badly and irrationally. I can't change how I feel and why I feel that way. 

I am overwhelmed. 
I am trying to plan a wedding with no help and on a small budget. 
I am taking care of a stubborn old woman who is getting worse and worse:
Her house is infested with roaches once again and more junk to replace the stuff I removed.
I am trying to be a good mommy to a little girl that probably deserves better.
I am trying to be a good wife to someone I know deserves much better.
I'm homesick and I need help.