All that You Are.

And I feel

The faint morning light

Filled with hope cause you're here in my Life

Well, Aunt Lee is going to remain in the hospital for a while longer. She wouldn't listen to the nurses at Tri Parish and fell. She broke her hip and will be at Rapides for atleast another 9 days. Minimum. And I am worried, but I can't bring myself to care anymore. I mean, I do care, but it is not consuming me anymore. I am finally getting the distance from her that Josh and Amanda have enjoyed for so long. I still call her most every day, but I don't go see her (because she is over an hour away at the moment)... And I don't feel compelled to go, either. I am enjoying just taking care of my family right now and leaving her to her own devices and the hospital staff. 

Since Lilah was born, I knew things would be different and at times, I would want to give up and quit. I knew there would be times when I would just want Nathaniel to leave me alone and go away. When I would just want to run away back to my little trailer with no heat or air, where I had to work open to close shifts most days of the week to make ends meet. When I would miss the nights spent in drunken stupor for a decent amount of sleep. I knew there would be days where I missed just taking care of myself without anyone else there, without anyone expecting anything of me, without worrying about someone depending on me. 

Surprisingly, those days have been far and few between until everything with Aunt Lee. I know she can't help it, but I'm angry because she doesn't seem to want to help herself. I wanted my little family. I didn't want to take care of an elderly lady who is unable to care for herself. I wanted Nathaniel and Lilah. Some days, I resent that I am forced to deal with Aunt Lee. I honestly do. And it's hard trying to cover the resentment in my voice or the disgust in my face when we walk into her house. We manage because I really do love her, but I wish she would see the toll she is taking on everyone around her. I want her to realize she needs more help than we can give and that she needs to be in senior apartments or in a nursing home. I wish and wish and wish that she realizes this. Part of me thinks she is being selfish by expecting this kind of care from us and then part of me realizes that I am being selfish for wanting her to move away, even if it is for her own health. 

I know things will get better once she passes. It's just all the complications and health risks and issues up until that point that is draining us. I don't want her to die. Truly, I don't. Yet.... I look forward to the time that will be just our little family here... To a time where we can just walk when we want and don't have to worry about roaches or other people's animals or health issues. No extra "honey-do's" or "I need this" or "bring me this, please." I feel I'm probably going to hell for thinking of that happier time, but I can't help it. Not with everything that has been going on the last few months and especially not with the extra care she is going to require once she finally gets to come home. A hip replacement at 66? And already in failing health with a defibrilator and blood pressure so low in the mornings that it doesn't even register? That's more than I can handle WITHOUT the surgery complications and healing time. 

*sigh* I still haven't gotten anything planned with the wedding. I have no dress. Haven't even been out to look at the church. No decorations, nothing. It's getting stressful. I'm about to the point of calling the wedding off and eloping. Just doing something simple and plain. I feel like I'm starting from scratch and I only have 2 months to get everything in order. That's not enough time. Atleast, it doesn't feel like enough time. 

God, please help us. Give us a sign or something. Let us know what to do. 

Please?