Savior.

She got down on hands and knees, one ear against the ground,
Holding her breath to hear something, 

anything at all

The dirt whispered, "Child, I'm coming home."

Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone. I know this. Anyone that has ever lost something or someone near to them knows this. Unfortunately, some people refuse to grow up and take advantage of every minute of life that they can. Instead, they live in their own lives where they are the most important beings and they never stop to think about someone else. 

After reading my previous entry, I realize that I am not at fault with how I feel. I AM angry. And I AM hurt about how Josh and Kelsey are acting. Like the world revolves around them... The people I knew at one time have disappeared. The girl with the beautiful smile that would go completely out of her way to make someone's day. And the boy with the beautiful music who put his friends and his family above himself and always made time in his life for them. Those are still the people that I love with all my heart. I don't know these people that claim to be them now. And neither does the rest of their family.

That's when she said I don't hate you boy 

I just want to save you 

while there's still something left to save

Aunt Lee is doing much better. She has only seen Josh for 15 minutes in the 5 days she has resided in Alexandria. And that was only because she NEEDED some hygienic items that I was not able to take to her. I asked her if Kelsey came and she said no, Josh said she was working in the garden. And I got angry again. She told me she would be heartbroken if something happened to Aunt Lee. Yet, when the time comes around so she can prove that Aunt Lee is more than a grain of salt to her, she fails miserably. Ten minutes. That's all Aunt Lee wants. Just enough time to say "hey, I love you, talk to ya later." It makes me sad that they are so selfish that they can't see how just a few minutes here and there would matter to an old, lonely woman with no real family.

I asked Aunt Lee if I was a horrible person for not being able to forgive them for their selfishness. She said she wishes I wouldn't be like that and hold a grudge, but that I do have a right to be mad about their actions. She then went on to say that I am a wonderful person and that she isn't sure her and Nathaniel deserve me and that she isn't sure what they have done for them to deserve me, but she is grateful that I am in their lives.  That made me feel much better because up until that point, I felt like I was being a horrid, selfish person unable to forgive the faults in others.  

Sometimes I wish I could be like them... And I think that's part of what makes me so angry. I hate always being the compassionate one. I hate always being the decent human being. The dependable one. The one who always forgives and forgets in order to create a happy atmosphere. Josh told me once that people would always be able to take me for granted and walk all over me because I was too good of a person to turn them away when they were hurt or down. I would always be there for someone no matter how bad they had hurt me or how much they had wronged me. It saddens me that he's right. I may hate it, but I can't be the kind of person that says "sorry, I'm too busy" when someone calls me needing a shoulder. Not if it's for a person that has had any sort of impact on my life. I just can't. That's not who I am. 

I wish I could use the excuse "I'm trying to plan a wedding" when Aunt Lee needs random things 50 million times a day. I wish I could say "Oh, Nathaniel makes plenty of money and these $60 jeans just fit me so well!!!" and buy them without having to think of bills or the baby or the millions of little things that need fixed at home.  I wish I could say "I have a busy life, I'm sorry I can never find time to call" and have the ability for that to rest easy on my conscious when a lonely old woman thinks everyone has forgotten her. Damn I WISH I could be that kind of person. Because you know what? If I was that kind of person, I'd probably be a lot happier and more carefree. I'd probably be the kind of person ashamed to face God when my time came. 

I do not lead a perfect life. Jezzus, I am SOOOO far from perfect. I never claim to be without my own downfalls. I'm selfish in my own way. I hold grudges. I judge people just like everyone else. I don't go out of my way to help people when I don't see them making a conscious effort to help themselves. I don't attend church regularly. I don't believe in "mission trips" to exotic countries with their own established religions to promote "my God." I get angry and say things without thinking. I get jealous. I drink occasionally. I break laws just like everyone else. And I ask forgiveness for all of those personal flaws on a daily basis, even when I know that I'm liable to make the same mistakes a million times over in my lifetime. 

However. I try to be a compassionate, decent, thoughtful human being.  

I HATE talking on the phone with a passion. I have always hated it. It's always staticky to me no matter how good the connection is. It's so hard for me to hear clearly that I end up feeling like a retard by asking people to repeat themselves 50 million times. I talk to my Mother and my Brother and that is IT because they know how hard it is for me to talk on the phone. But everyday, I call Aunt Lee when she is in the hospital to make sure she is okay and ask if she needs anything. I ask how she's feeling. I ask how her stay is going. I tell her silly little things like Lilah getting puffs stuck on her nose. Or her dog starting to run again. I don't even have to talk long.. .Just long enough for her to know that someone is thinking of her and that she's loved. Sometimes the calls are less than 3 minutes. But the point is that I call because it makes her feel good and gives her something to look forward to everyday. Even though I REALLY hate talking on the phone.

I can't stand Aunt Lee's house. Absolutely cannot stand it. It's smokey and stinks of feces and urine and rotten food. There are roaches everywhere. The carpets are nasty to the point the I will not walk in her house barefoot. Ever. And I don't really like Lilah being over there around all of the filth. But Lilah gives her a reason to get up in the mornings. Looking forward to her laughing and smiling and just being her normal, sweet, funny little self. So we go see her atleast every other day when she is home. Even though her house literally makes me nauseous, we still visit because it brightens Aunt Lee's day.

I know people think I have all the time in the world to sit on the phone and visit an old lady and do whatever it is that I want to do because I am a stay at home mother. But the truth is, I have 3 full time jobs that I do not get paid for. I don't get "days off" or requests to be gone that day: 

• I am a full time mother-- I do not have babysitters to watch Lilah. I don't let her sit in front of the tv   24/7 to keep her entertained. I am a single parent 2 weeks out of the month which also means I pull double duty
• I am a full time caregiver-- I do errands for Aunt Lee no matter what time of day it is. I drop off and fetch prescriptions even if it's out of my way. I bring her things she calls and needs when she is away from home. I check on her when she IS home. I make sure she eats and follows dr's orders. I call for help when she falls, I clean up when she makes a mess and asks me to. 
• I am a full time wife-- I cook everyday, clean dishes, keep track of budgets and bills, do laundry, take trash out, mop, change diapers, weed the garden, plant the garden, help with up keep on the pool whether I get to use it or not, I weed-eat.

 So I understand "busy" but there is no such thing as being too busy to make time for family. It doesn't take gas money to call. These days, it doesn't even COST anything to call with the way cell phones work.

I love my jobs, even when it gets overwhelming. Somedays I want to say "I quit" or "This is too hard" but I don't. The smile on my daughter's face when we play pattycake or walk thru the yard for our exercises makes my heart soar. Aunt Lee telling me that she appreciates all I do for her and that I am a wonderful person for caring about an old lady that isn't even my blood makes me glad to be able to help. And the knowledge that I have an amazing, caring, thoughtful husband right beside me (even if it's only every 2 weeks) takes the weight off my shoulders when he's home.

So yea. I can hold a grudge. But when it comes down to it and God asks me if I think I have done all I can in my life to live by His ideals, I can honestly say:

"Nope. Not even close. I have my faults and I have things I wish I could have changed. I wish I could be a little less angry and a little more forgiving. But I have been as good a mother as I could be. I have been as good a wife as I knew how to be. I have been a faithful, loving friend even when I was angry. I went out of my way to make someone else's day, everyday. And I am proud of that, if nothing else."