To continue my partial rant from the previous post. I am still apprehensive about Nathaniel's mother watching and being around Lilah. Every time I start thinking that maybe I've misjudged her, or misread her, she does something else equally offensive that pisses me off and reaffirms my decision to not allow her to see Lilah unsupervised. And every time she sees Lilah (which so far, has only been a couple of times and she is a few days shy of being a month old), I anticipate that I am one time closer to her asking why I don't bring Lilah by or let her watch her once in a while. And I have slowly been gathering my arguments in preparation for the day that that conversation happens, because I am almost positive that one day, she WILL grow the nerve to ask me rather than everyone else on this damn gossip-ridden hill.
So. Here is my attempt to explain why I have made the decision regarding Ms. Christine and MY babygirl. [Nathaniel is already aware of every arguement I'm going to make, and he is in agreement that there will be supervision by either him or myself when she is around Ms. Christine]
1. You judged me before you even attempted to KNOW me. I made every friendly overture I could think of to try to get to know you when Nathaniel started bringing me around more, and made an even stronger attempt to be friends when we began dating. While judging people before you know them is somewhat acceptable to me [because we make pigeon-hole decisions everyday about strangers we see], the REASON you chose to dislike me is completely UNACCEPTABLE. You think that I do not have a strong relationship with God and that I am living in sin merely for the fact that I am divorced. I accept that everyone is entitled to their opinion, I do NOT accept hypocrisy. YOU are divorced. I do not pretend to know all of the reasons that led to that status, but then again, I don't care. You call me sinful because I am divorced, and you never once asked me why. I am tired of defending myself to everyone on this hill about decisions I made to better myself and my life BEFORE I became involved with Nathaniel. MY CHILD WILL NOT LEARN GUILT AND HYPOCRISY FROM HER GRANDMOTHER.
2. I refuse to play hurtful head games with the people that are around me. I know you do not like me. You never attempted to "get to know me" until Nathaniel told you I was pregnant. Now you want to talk, and try to make amends. You had a year and a half to get to know me. You knew I was here to stay when you found out that we were engaged to get married and had already picked out the tentative date for the wedding. And yet, you didn't find it pertinent to attempt to get to know me, be friends with me, anything. You knew my address, you sent Nathaniel several letters to this address. If you had been serious about making ammends, you could have sent me a "lets try again" letter [my own father and I had to do this after a serious falling out when I was younger]. Yet you did not. So now that I am the mother of your grandchild [and you aren't allowed to see your other two], you want to be friends and accept me. No. Sorry. I am not buying it. MY CHILD WILL NOT LEARN MANIPULATION AND HEAD GAMES FROM HER GRANDMOTHER.
3.I know why Amanda does not allow you to see Lexi and Laci. At first, I believed that everyone was just exaggerating about the way you talked about YOUR OWN DAUGHTER to her children behind Amanda's back. I simply could NOT believe that ANY mother would want her baby girl to be with a cracked-out-wife-and-baby beater. No matter what may have happened, I couldn't see how a parent would wish that on a child. Much less THEIR child and their grand babies. But I have heard you singing Shad's praises with my own ears. And I saw the bruises on Amanda and I know what he used to do to her. You say that Amanda is a horrible mother, "a sinful slut" because she is not with Shad-- the sperm donor to those beautiful girls. You told her CHILDREN that when they were old enough to UNDERSTAND you. Even to this day, you find fault in Amanda for not being with that pathetic excuse for a human being. It took a lot for Amanda to finally remove him from her life and the girls' lives. You should be PROUD of her for finally getting help after so long. Lilah will know I am proud of her everyday and that she can tell me ANYTHING without unfair judgment. I may be a house cat around you, but NO ONE will hurt my child and get away with it. MY CHILD WILL NOT LEARN ACCEPTANCE OF ABUSE FOR FEAR OF GOD'S WRATH FROM HER GRANDMOTHER.
4. You speak highly of God and His praises and how loving He is, yet you know nothing of God's work and love. To you, anyone not living as you are, are living in sin, no matter the circumstances that put them in that situation. You speak of forgiveness, yet you are unable to practice what you preach. You backbite and snip at everyone around you unless they are willing to be put under your thumb. You freely misinterpret His word and use it to further attempt to manipulate those around you through fear of His wrath. I have read the passages on the message board you left for Nathaniel when he was still living with you. You wrote those as an attempt to control your children. I asked several people what the meaning of those passages were [I have never attempted to hide the fact that I am unable to read the Bible and make sense of it] and it was COMPLETELY backwards from how you attempted to use them. I have heard the stories from the other people on this hill, and from the mouths of your own children, about how you use God's word to attempt to instill fear in those you are "trying to help." I am reminded of the passages "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and "judge not lest ye be judged." I realize I am judging you now, but I have given ample time, thought and effort to come to the conclusions I have reached. You judged before you knew who I was. MY CHILD WILL NOT LEARN YOUR LOPSIDED VERSION OF GOD AND HIS LOVE FROM HER GRANDMOTHER.
My childhood was filled with many happy memories. Yes, there are things I wish I could change, but for the most part, I have a lot of cherished memories of being little. Chasing lightning bugs; catching grasshoppers and nightcrawlers with my mom, brother and Grandma; bedtime stories from Aunt Sandy; beauty shoppe with Aunt Cindy. Family nights playing Mario or Duckhunt or watching movies and eating popcorn. Laughter... lots and lots of laughter. No fear, no conspiracy theories, no backbiting, name calling or manipulation. The only happy memories I have heard from the mouths of your children are from when they were old enough to drink and party and get away from your house... I have heard no cherished memories of their childhood that involve you. No stories of playing with make believe creatures or adventures in the garden. No happy memories about family time going wrong... Nothing. That makes me incredibly sad.
I realize that I come from a very different world than Nathaniel did. I come from a world where the parents are the parents and pay the bills, where God is visited with on a personal basis and church has nothing to do with it, where imagination is welcomed with open arms, where you are accepted no matter who you are or how you came to be there, and where LOVE doesn't come with pricetags or expectations. This is the childhood I want for our daughter. I don't want her to doubt for one minute that we are anything less than proud of her for who she IS, not who she choses to be.
<3 Lilah May Street
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